It's been a while

I do understand that it's been three months or a quarter of a year since I posted anything.

Though, realizing it won't get me any closer to writing anything new. So, here I go...

It never occurred to me that I would actually be sitting in a classroom and studying for another 5 years before I even had a possibility to get a job. But, guess what - here I am! Police career going downhill fast, so is the comedy career . . . We'll see, though.

It's getting late now but rest assured, I'll be back with some more dry and unfunny material...

A realization

I came to the conclusion. Actually a few conclusions. I now know with more certainty than ever that I know nothing about talking to people - no sense of tact what-so-ever. I can be given little hints and even great big hints that any moron should understand but I still manage to pursue a subject that makes a person uncomfortable. Or even insults them. Or worse - makes people sad. I did that recently and I felt terrible. I really need to make sure that in the future my remarks and questions are better formulated and understood equally . . .

The second and by a degree more important realization was that I never again want to discuss morality of a religion with a person that is a part of that religion. Poor misguided sheep. I really feel sad for all these people. Most religious people I know are very good people, but they never realise they're living a lie. They follow a book that's rubbish - describing a fairytale. . . And they take that fairytale as pure gold. Let me give you an example - using Christianity, as I know more about that religion than the others. In Genesis - the first book of The Old Testament - (remember - it's supposed to be taken literally because it's their sacred book) it is said as a remark, that "that time giants still roamed the Earth". Ok, really now... Giants? Be serious for a second. The second example - Adam and Eve - right? They were given the task to "be plentiful and fulfil the Earth and multiply"... OK, so far, so good. The problem arrives quickly enough - Their first children were boys. "And they married and multiplied and populated the Earth." Am I the only one to realise the obvious mistake in that story? So, ok, let's say all the children were either having sex with their parents or brothers and sisters . . . So, that's your great teaching, Christians? That we are all the descendants of a bunch of incestuous motherfuckers? Not really like the best beginning to "The Holy Book" . . . Then again - The Bible can't be taken literally, because people lived to be 800+ years old. There were giants roaming the globe. There were boats that were big enough to carry two of all the animals of the Earth . . . except that there was only one window to that boat . . . it's says so in the Bible - "Noah opened THE window that God had asked him to build" Right.

Let's have no more about it. Never again will I debate with religious people about their faith. I can't talk to them about it - it makes me so sad. Especially sad is the case of my sister, but that's another, private, story.

A few guidelines to me, myself and I

I don't need to be told all the things people want to tell me. It's just that I sometimes need to be reminded of them. As some of you (50%, I believe, since there are only two people reading this idiotic piece of writing) may know, a big part of my life is inspired by comedians, songs, poems and books and tv-shows. There are small fragments of wisdom lingering about in almost all of them.

Let's get started with a few from songs. (I'd like to say that I'm using all of the lyrics without permission and I'm expecting a huge law-suit any time now)
First in my list: Eminem.

(Hailie's Song)

Some days I sit, starin' out the window
Watchin' this world pass me by
Sometimes I think theres nothin' to live for
I almost break down and cry

Somtimes I think I'm crazy
I'm crazy, oh so crazy
Why am I here, am I just wasting my time?

But then I see my baby
Suddenly I'm not crazy
It all makes sense when I look into her eyes

[Chorus]
Somtimes it feels like the world's on my shoulders
Everyone's leanin' on me
Cuz sometimes it feels like the world's almost over
But then she comes back to me
/.../
Now you probably get this picture from my public persona
That I'm a pistol-packing drug-addict who bags on his momma,
But I wanna just take this time out to be perfectly honest
Cuz there's a lot of shit I keep bottled that hurts deep inside o' my soul, And just know that I grow colder the older I grow This boulder on my shoulder gets heavy and harder to hold
And this load is like the weight of the world
And I think my neck is breaking should I just give up,
Or try to live up to these expectations?

(Say Goodbye Hollywood)
/.../
Bury my face in comic books, cause I don't want to look
At nothin', this world's too much
I've swallowed all I could
If I could swallow a bottle of tylenol I would, and end it for good
Just say goodbye to Hollywood
I probably should, these problems are piling all at once
Cause everything that bothers me, I got it bottled up
I think i'm bottomin' out
But i'm not about to give up, I gotta get up
/.../
I don't wanna quit, but shit, I feel like this is it
/.../
It's like the boy in the bubble, who never could adapt, i'm trapped
/.../

Till I Collapse

'Cause sometimes you feel tired,
feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up.
But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength
and just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up
and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.
/.../
And its absurd how people hang on every word.
I’ll probably never get the props I feel I ever deserve
But I’ll never be served my spot is forever reserved
If I ever leave earth that would be the death of me first.
Cause in my heart of hearts I know nothing could ever be worse.

When the Music Stops

Music, reality, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference
/.../
If I were to die murdered in cold blood tomorrow
Would you feel sorrow or show love
Or would it matter
Can never be the lead-off batter of things
Shit for me to feed off
I'm see-saw battling
But theres way too much at stake for me to be fake
There's too much on my plate
And I came way too far in this game to turn and walk away
And not say what I got to say
What the fuck you take me for? a joke? you smoking crack?
Before I do that, I beg Mariah to take me back
I get up 'for I get down, run myself in the ground, 'for I put some wack shit out
I'm trying-a smack this one out the park, five-thousand mark
You all steady trying to drown the shark
Ain't gonna do nothing but piss me off
Lid to the can of whoop ass, just twist me off
See me leap out, pull the piece out, fuck shooting I'm just trying to knock his teeth out
Fuck with me now, bitch, let's see you freestyle
Talk is cheap, motherfucker if you're really feeling froggish, leap
You're slim, you're gonna let him get away with that?
He tried to play you, you can't let him 'scape with that
Man I hate this crap, this ain't rap,
This is crazy the way we act
When we confuse hip-hop with real life when the music stops
/.../
Music's changed my life in so many ways
Brains confused and fucked since the 5th grade

Rock Bottom

This song is dedicated to all the happy people
All the happy people who have real nice lives
And who have no idea whats it like to be broke as fuck

[Verse One:]
I feel like I'm walking a tight rope, without a circus net
I'm popping percocets, I'm a nervous wreck
/.../
That's Rock Bottom
When this life makes you mad enough to kill
That's Rock Bottom
When you want something bad enough to steal
That's Rock Bottom
When you feel you have had it up to here
Cause you mad enough to scream but you sad enough to tear

[Verse Two:]
My life is full of empty promises
And broken dreams
I'm hoping things will look up
But there ain't no job openings
I feel discouraged hungry and malnourished
Living in this house with no furnace, unfurnished
And I'm sick of working dead end jobs with lame pay
And I'm tired of being hired and fired the same day
But fuck it, if you know the rules to the game play
Cause when we die we know were all going the same way
It's cool to be player, but it sucks to be the fan
When all you need is bucks to be the man
Plus a luxury sedan
Too comfortable and roomy in a six
They threw me in the mix
With all these gloomy lunatics
Walk around depressed
And smoke a pound of ses a day
And yesterday went by so quick it seems like it was just today
My daughter wants to throw the ball but I'm too stressed to play
Live half my life and throw the rest away

[Chorus]

There's people that love me and people that hate me
But it's the evil that made me this backstabbing, deceitful, and shady
I want the money, the women, the fortune, and the fame
That Means I'll end up burning in hell scorching in flames
That means I'm stealing your checkbook and forging your name
Lifetime bliss for eternal torture and pain
Right now I feel like just hit the rock bottom
I got problems now everybody on my blocks got 'em

My Dad's Gone Crazy

There's no mountain i can't climb
There's no tower too high,
No plane that i can't learn how to fly
What do i gotta do to get through to you, to show you
There ain't nothing i can't take this chainsaw to
/.../
My songs can make you cry, take you by surprise
And at the same time, make you dry your eyes with the same rhyme
See what you're seeing is a genius at work
Which to me isn't work, so it's easy to misinterpret it at first,
Cuz when i speak, it's tongue in cheek
I'd yank my fuckin teeth before id ever bite my tongue
I'd slice my gums, get struck by fuckin' lightning twice at once
And die and come back as vanilla ice's son
And walk around the rest of my life spit on
And kicked and hit with shit, every time i sung
Like R Kelly as soon as "bump n' grind" comes on
More pain inside of my brain, than the eyes of a little girl inside of a
plane
Aimed at the World Trade, standin' on Ronnie's grave,
Screaming at the sky, till clouds gather as Clyde Mathers and Bonnie Jade
And thats pretty much the gist of it,Parents are pissed, but the kids love
it
Nine millimeter, heater stashed, in two-seaters with meat cleavers
I don't blame you, i wouldn't let hailie listen to me neither

Sing For The Moment


[Verse 1]
These ideas are nightmares to white parents
Whose worst fear is a child with dyed hair and who likes earrings
Like whatever they say has no bearing, it's so scary in a house that allows
no swearing
To see him walking around with his headphones blaring
Alone in his own zone, cold and he don't care
He's a problem child
And what bothers him all comes out, when he talks about
His fuckin' dad walkin' out
Cause he just hates him so bad that he blocks him out
If he ever saw him again he'd probably knock him out
His thoughts are whacked, he's mad so he's talkin' back
Talkin' black, brainwashed from rock and rap
He sags his pants, do-rags and a stocking cap
His step-father hit him, so he socked him back, and broke his nose
His house is a broken home, there's no control, he just let's his emotions
go...

[Chorus]
{C'mon}, sing with me, {sing}, sing for the years
{Sing it}, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears, {c'mon)
Sing it with me, just for today, maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you
away...
/.../
They say music can alter moods and talk to you
Well can it load a gun up for you , and cock it too
Well if it can, then the next time you assault a dude
Just tell the judge it was my fault and i'll get sued
See what these kids do is hear about us totin' pistols
And they want to get one cause they think the shit's cool
Not knowin' we really just protectin' ourselves, we entertainers
Of course the shit's affectin' our sales, you ignoramus
But music is reflection of self, we just explain it, and then we get our
checks in the mail
It's fucked up ain't it
How we can come from practically nothing to being able to have any fuckin'
thing that we wanted
That's why we sing for these kids, who don't have a thing
Except for a dream, and a fuckin' rap magazine
Who post pin-up pictures on their walls all day long
Idolize they favorite rappers and know all they songs
Or for anyone who's ever been through shit in their lives
Till they sit and they cry at night wishin' they'd die
Till they throw on a rap record and they sit, and they vibe
We're nothin' to you but we're the fuckin' shit in they eyes
That's why we seize the moment try to freeze it and own it, squeeze it and
hold it
Cause we consider these minutes golden
And maybe they'll admit it when we're gone
Just let our spirits live on, through our lyrics that you hear in our
songs and we can...

Say What You Say

Cause what you say is what you say
Say what you say how you say it whenever you saying it
Just remember how you said it when you was spraying it
So who you playing with huh huh huh huh?
/.../
[Eminem]
If I could only use this power for good
I wouldn't, not even if I could

[Dr. Dre]
From the hood and I'm a hornet
And I'ma only sting when I'm cornered

[Eminem]
And I'ma only sucker punch or swing without warning
And swing to knock somebody's fucking head off
Cause I know, when they get up, I won't get a chance to let off
Another punch, I'm punk-rock, no one's punk
Don't give a fuck, white Pac, so much spunk
When I was little I knew I would blow up
And sell a mil or grow up to be a tiller
Go nuts and be a killer
/.../
But I handle my business cause it's work before play
Don't look for trouble but I serve you gourmet
However you want it, you could have it your way
You fuck my night up, I'ma fuck up your day
Bullet with your name, sending it your way
That goes for anyone who walks through that doorway
Cause this is my space, you invade it
Live to regret it and you die trying to violate it
Fuck around and you'll get annihilated
Eyes diliated

[Eminem]
Ha, like my old lady
Cause what you say is what you say Sometimes what you mean is 2 different things
Depending on your mood, if it swings, think too many things

And last, but not least (at least for this time):

Drips

Now I don't wanna hit no woman, but this chick's got it comin', someone better get this bitch,
before she get's kicked in the stomach, and she's pregnant, but she's eggin' me on, beggin' me
to throw her off the steps of this porch, my only weapon is force and I don't wanna resort to
any violence of any sort, but what's she shovin' me for, doesn't she love me no more, wasn't she
huggin' me four minutes ago at the door, man, i'm this close to goin' toe-to-toe with this
whore, what would you do if she was tellin' you she wants a divorce, she's havin' another baby
in a month, and it's yours, and you find out it isn't cause this bitch has been visitin' someone
else, and suckin' his dick and kissin' you on the lips when you get back, to Michigan, now the
plot is thickenin' worse, cause you feel like you've been stickin' your fuckin' dick in a
hearse, so you paranoid at every little cold that you get, ever since they told you this shit,
you've been holdin' your dick, so you go to the clinic, sweatin' every minute you in it, then
the doctor comes out lookin' like Dennis the Menace, and it's obvious to everyone in the lobby
it's AIDS, he ain't even gotta call you in his office to say it, so you jet back home, cause you
gon' get that hoe, when you see her, you gon' bend her fuckin' neck back, yo', cause you love her, you never would expect that blow, Obie told you the scoop, how could she stoop that low,
Jesus, I don't believe this, bitch works at the cleaners, bringin' me home diseases, swingin'
from Obie's penis, she's so deceivin', shit this hoe's a genius, she g'd us...

Now, all these songs and many more have influenced me greatly during my life. . . some more than others, some definitely saying more about myself than I could ever say about myself, some just good to listen to . . . and all of them with a special meaning known only to me.

PS! All lyrics I copied from www.azlyrics.com and I thank azlyrics for providing them and also I'd like to hope that no-one of any influence or importance happens to read this blog, otherwise I'd be in a little bit of a mess. But I'll continue to infringe copyright laws next time with a few more songs and some comedians...

Logic

"From a drop of water, a logician could infer the possibility of an Atlantic or a Niagara without having seen or heard of one or the other. So all life is a great chain, the nature of which is known wherever we are shown a single link of it. Like all other arts, the Science of Deduction and Analysis is one which can only be aquired by long and patient study, nor is life long enough to allow any mortal to attain the highest possible perfection in it. Before turning to those moral and mental aspects of the matter which present the greatest difficulties, let the enquirer begin by mastering more elementary problems. Let him, on meetng a fellow-mortal, learn at a glance to distinguish the history of the man and the trade or profession to which he belongs. Puerile as such an exercise may seem, it sharpens the faculties of observation, and teaches one where to look and what to look for. By a man's fingernails, by his coat-sleeve, by his boot, by his trouser-knees, by the callosities of his forefinger and thumb, by his expression, by his shirt-cuffs - by each of these things a man's calling is plainly revealed. That all united should fail to enlighten the competent enquirer in any case is almost invonceivable."

Something a little bit different

Inverted psychopath and it's psychological problems and ideas . . . a very interesting theme.

(just for the record - I don't use the mentioned rules myself - I just describe how I see other using them)

It's all bullshit (some of my previous reports) but here - some rules stand. The examples are many - whenever we want the other person to say something, do something, act in a certain manner, we use psychology, not to say we exploit it, really. In order to get someone to say something positive about you, all you have to do is degrade yourself in the eyes of a person who cares about you. Not excessively, though - do it too much and you'll piss off a lot of people. What does it gain? A bit of self-assurance, that's all. I know I may sound a little bitter and truth be told, I am a bit. How to believe people anymore - there are a few people I trust . . . (they have yet to give me a reason to doubt their sincerity). I hope I don't have to be disappointed in them - I truly do. I still have reason to hope all is not lost.

Let's take another example - using your appearance to make people pity you ... or give money - whatever it is. You never see a well-dressed homeless guy, do you? And you know that with what they make, they could go to any second-hand clothes-shop and buy themselves a lot warmer clothes instead of trying to keep warm by drinking vodka. Just my way of looking at it, I suppose.

Using your behavior to draw sympathy from peers - act in a "broken way" and, yes, people feel sorry for you. The sort of thing, where you sulk in the corner at a party hoping a caring person walks up to you and asks: "What's wrong?", so you could with all your heart say that it's nothing . . . and then hope that the next question will be - "No, really, is something wrong? Maybe I can help?" - "No, there is no one that can help me now - I've got a serious case of "Damn, I'm a retard"-syndrome." It so reminds me of "Boy Who Cried Wolf" . . . you know - when are you going to realize when someone is really in trouble if most people fake all the time? How?

Now, for something alarming - I recently found out people are weird...No, bear with me - I really did. I've lived a lie for almost a year . . . I found out that I'm mostly only talked to or about when there really is nothing left to talk about or to. That's so cool - and to think that my mom told me that I was selective about the company I chose to keep around me :) What a load of bull. Favors (excluding a selected few - see, my mom wasn't lying) are what most people keep me around for. Not that I mind, of course - I like to see happy people. Oh, just one thing - you have to make sure I realize you're just toying with me - that way everyone can be happy, ok? Right, that's settled - moving on to the next item on the list - death threats - now there's a cool subject. I recently got a ban on a town in Wester-Estonia. Now come on - a freaking 23-year-old acting like a 10-year-old. . . Can't wrap my mind about that one . . . I know there are retards in the world - I've met some, but no - he seemed like a normal human being, except his text was really like something I'd expect from my brother's peers . . . Come on!!! "Don't ever show your face here or you'll be sorry!" - any kid the age of watching TV can say that . . . Such a cliché . . . sad really.

People are sad. What happened to throwing back your head and laughing out loud, when trouble seemed to strike and scaring away the troubles by giving them an inferiority complex?? What happened?

Interesting

I've always known that I can't express my emotions, feelings, thoughts or anything of that sort clearly so from now on I'll stop. Easier for me. I know I'm a self-centred prick, but, hey - that's just who I am.

Now. It's finished. I'm still glad to be out of that idiotic bunch of people. What I'd like to see . . . is all those people in 10 years. I doubt that all those stupid grins are still there. Possibly a few dozen will have drunk their brains away and another few dozen will have realized their own stupidity and quit the job they acquired through sweat and blood. We'll see.

There are still a few aspects of my life to figure out and I will . . . someday. Right now I'm a bit busy with tearing my apartment apart. So, I get to express all my feelings through destruction . . . rather than expressing them to people concerned.

At home with my parents again. And this time . . . it's all the same as it has always been. I can feel something giving way. And I doubt that it's a good thing. Something's going to happen pretty soon and I fear that the outcome will be not desirable for me. Again - we will see. :) So far, so good. But all fairytales end eventually the same - "And they lived happily ever after!" Nope - "They were only human so they bickered and fought each other for their entire life until one gave up and died and the other remarried."

There are no happy endings - it's a preposterous idea . . . If a relationship has a happy ending, that would mean everyone were perfectly happy with the outcome . . . that's impossible. In any case, the ending itself marks the end - a relationship will never end. If you don't communicate at all with the person anymore - the relationship is still going on, only in a non-communicative manner. Now, I know that once again I'm not making much sense. But that's just me.

To end today, I'd like to quote someone: "I always assumed that I'd find someone before you did!" Suggestive, no? And from "Penn & Teller's BullShit" - absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. . . again - very suggestive and completely false.

Really

I finished it. Had almost no emotion doing so, except pity of course - self-pity, that is. Two years . . . was it worth it? Hell yes, I'd do it again without even thinking about it. Some of the best moments are related to, derived from or just happened there.

I've found out now, what I need to do. And it's all what I secretly had known all along - it's just made clearer and clearer to me as time progresses.

A short entry, this. But one or two more things to add still. Over the last few weeks I think I've seen all sides of the human race. Starting with idiotic people going over to innocent people going over to mad people going over to the best people going over to ignorant people . . . Now I believe the spectrum is complete. From here on there's nothing more to do than learn and clarify and to observe - just to reinforce all that I've seen so far. Be with you really soon.

The Best (all credit to BS team)

We all strive to be the best. Hell, there's nothing wrong with that. I want to be the best person I can be. I truly do. And yet I'm curious. Isn't that what all people want? It can't be just me. TBNE . . . always blows my mind. Actually - let's look at how much deceit, fraud and theft there is. . . that makes it sure, that wanting the best and wanting to be best is best to leave alone. I was mesmerized and doubtful - it proved to be the right instinct. It prepared me for it. (ok, enough EMO time)

The best - what the fuck is that anyway? I know the best person ever. I know of the best person ever to live on this Earth. I even know the best basketball player ever to have lived.
In sports - it's easy - the fastest, jumps the longest, throws the hardest and so - they are the best in the world. Singers too - best singers (ok, I admit - the charts are different for each person). But the favorite - there again . . . "she, in my mind, is the best singer, dancer, performer, lover, player, knitter, skiier, president and so on"

It's all relative - best to whom? best for whom? best from whom? All these are bullshit. I have the best computer - nonsense; i have the best girlfriend - maybe for you; i have the best player on my team - in your mind, yes . . . I could go on whole day. The thing is - there is nothing wrong with wanting to be the best - that's a good thing to hurtle towards (so as long as you are not hurting anyone on the way). But wanting the best gets you always very badly hurt.

Whatever it is it never is the best!

nameless

We've come to that point now.

Equations - especially balancing them. Always tricky. The balance of nature - always easy and logical if you know where to look. Good and evil, happiness and sadness, fulfillment and unfulfillment and so on and on and on.

I know there's a certain order in the world and I don't want to argue that. I just am really interested . . . in everything - and that's paying off. I finally managed to make a triple. It's so funny, right? I have always been the one to say that words can't hurt. And I still believe that. It's not the words that hurt us - it's the feeling attached to them. Say "I love you!" to a stranger on a street - see the response - it's made by the feeling the person attaches it to - "a stranger talking to me - saying such things - a mad person, obviously" . . . Some take it in stride, some take it as a joke. Some are insulted (usually for personal psychological reasons). But insult someone - compare the emotions generated by those two. Right - the reason is that I thought I was immune. I stood in front of the exam committee and took a verbal punch after verbal punch and dealt with it with no more worries than a light blush and that also was not because of the questions asked from me. You can imagine my surprise . . . well, maybe I shouldn't - since I was the one pushing it. Oh, well - the idea is, that it made my stomach churn. And one really, very, awsomely powerful feeling came back to me - flooding me, embracing me thoroughly in itself and suffocating me. And me - with my usual coldness, took in stride, like all the time I had done in school, still do in school . . . I sat there, figured it out - blankly, no emotion, besides the one I was subconsciously supressing with all my willpower to not show it to anyone. Although, I was alone . . .

I understand it - I feel it. Or do I? The thing is - I'm tired - I probably over-reacted (under-reacted actually) . . . And it was me, always me, who explained himself too shabbily. Too weak were the explanations, too weak the bluff. I feel cold, but I can deal with that. I feel weak, but I can deal with that. I feel, but I can deal with that. I feel empty - that I can't deal with. There's a ray of light, though. It might just be that - a ray . . . without any light. But I can be happy to know that the ray has shone on me. It has let its light on me. And I could die happy knowing that.

Just . . . you know - the best is bullshit. It has been proven. And yet I doubt - I, for once know the best . . . the best for me. The best . . . And all the other bests are nothing to that one best, right? Right. I'll accept that.

Here's the thing.

I don't understand many things. But one of the things I most yearn to understand, is the human being. How it works. Why does it work. And most of all - what the fuck it's thinking.

So, here's my problem - according to Einstein - everything is relative. If someone was, to say, conduct a research or follow through with a project, then different people were to look at it very differently. My example being my own project that I led. What's more important - the way it's carried out - meaning the correctness of the lector, the working of all the electronic devices and what not, OR the reason why it was carried out and the effect it had on the people involved in the project?

Let me say that - my lector was excellent, really great - she lectures to the Tartu University for heaven's sake. And the examinators said she was the only one good thing in my project. I agree - she was wonderful. Although - half the people in the 7th grade that were there, almost fell asleep. Now, I'm not saying there was anything wrong with her speech, it's just that it was 45 minutes directed to 13-14 year olds. Now, they can't sit still for more than 25 minutes. Not possible.

And then there was I - they said I lectured very dully . . . OK, understandable - but my topic was laws. So I lectured boringly about laws - how about that? Really now - the children themselves gave me feedback about the doctor's lecture being dull and, on the other hand, learning so much about the laws which deal with minors and tobacco and alcohol. Right - but altogether - what's it worth my complaining here? Nothing - they made their decision. They looked at it from another perspective and almost flunked me. So, in their eyes it was important that the lecture was as long as possible and the children would fall asleep half way through. Not important, though, was the fact that the children got the message. Alrighty then. I don't know if it's my instincts that are wrong or are theirs, the examinators' instincts. For now - I have to analyze it and come up with something purposeful to combat them with when I go to protect my project.

I'm sure I'll have more to comment about that later on.

Let me just say something real quick.

What??? I don't understand. Tell me, please, someone - what is wrong with certain people? I don't understand that. To me, relationships are never easy nor shallow. But still, I don't commit an anecdotal mental suicide, when things are not going my way.

Here's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth: I met a girl. A student in the same school I was in. I was attracted to her and not having enough experience in relationships, I got attached too deep. And I've been trying to undo the damage ever since. I never wanted for her to get hurt. But you know Russians - like gypsies - hurt them and they will hate you for life, be nice to them and you won't get rid of them. So, here was my dilemma - I was prepared to act in some kind of a relationship with her. Whatever the kind was. To the best of my knowledge, we were fuck-buddies, well, no, actually we never even reached that level. I tried to be friends with her. I tried to reason with her. I tried and tried and again and again and again. And I failed miserably every time. The fact that I was so inexperienced, left me dangling and not able to let go of her, because I knew I would've hurt her. Now I realize, I should've hurt her a long time ago . . . then the pain wouldn't have been so deep. I exited with no real regrets, other than hurting her. I am as strong-shelled as I need to be and it didn't hurt me nearly as much as it must've hurt her.

Now to the really fun part. We had sex. It was okay. I found out she was in a relationship. It was not okay. I found out that she broke up with him. That was fine. They got together two days after that. That was not fine. She said she broke up with him. That was good. I found out later that she lied. That was not good. We spent time together and I realised that we could be good friends. That was OK. We had sex. That was not OK. She broke up with him again. Now, that was not good. I tried to console her. Then things went out hand. She wanted a relationship. She wanted me to be her boyfriend. I didn't want to be that. She didn't understand that. She was still together with her boyfriend. I explained to her how relationships work. I did it for two hours and she seemed to understand that. Two days later I realised she hadn't even listened to what I said. She listened, but did not hear anything I said. It went worse. She didn't understand anything I said - how could she expect me to be her boyfriend when she said that she wasn't sure whether she could be faithful to me. What kind of a relationship would it be??? She never understood the reasons why I didn't like her. Lies, deceit and more lies. No way I could trust anything she said.

Let's get it straight - she lied to me from the beginning and continued her track of lies to the end. And she got pissed off at me when I said I couldn't be with her. And she got pissed off at her for not hugging her or kissing her when I saw her, while she still was together with her man. She got pissed off at me, when I made fun. She got angry when I tried to do anything that I liked. She never understood what I had actually given her. She never appreciated the fact that I sacrificed two years' worth of relationships just to not make her sad or hurt her.

Then came the climax - I met this wonderful woman and I knew I had to be with her. And then there was Her. I had to say that I had had enough of this cherade. I told her bluntly that I was seeing someone and we could probably make something happen. I had to let her go - I had seen her break up with her boyfriend for 5 times in two years - I had always been there for her, sacrificed so much to her. And when I exposed to her, that I, actually also have a life, she quit speaking to me. I know I should be happy, because I'm free and I'm trying to be. With help from this new aquintance I am happy. Happier than I ever was with that co-student of mine. I feel that I'm accepted for who I am. If for two years I hadn't had the chance to express myself freely, now I feel that I can. And it feels great. I never realised how much she hampered me in my life. And yet, here I am, like I'm reborn.

Yesterday I realized I had been foolish all that time. I realized I had a great oppurunity with one of the greatest persons I have ever met. I also realized that I had living a lie. I tried so hard to not make someone unhappy that I forgot how to be happy myself. Now I know I aquired the means to put that idiotic person out of my head and out of my life. Today she told me she didn't want me to write to her anymore. I am a bit sad that I lost a friend. I don't have many, so I'm a bit sad. But realizing how much freedom I gain from not communicating with her . . . I can't even describe it.

Just a few more lines.

I am truly sorry I hurt her. I am truly sorry I got that involved with her. And most of all I'm sorry for her not knowing how life is lived. When you drain the other person of everything one has to offer and offer nothing in return . . . well, in my book, that is not the way for two adults to be together. I know she doesn't read this, but I wish her all the best. I know I'm better off without her, so she is way better off without me.

Lies . . . deception . . . greed . . . self-centerdness . . . unfulfilment . . . dillusionment . . . that's all I got from her. I know that whatever happens - whether I get to be with someone I want to or not (that's up to her now), I know I'll never end up in the same position ever again.

My

eyes hurt.

Once again - but this time more of a stream of consciousness with actual tenses.

It was tough. I don't like to whine, but still. Complaint after complaint after complaint . . . favor after favor after favor . . . meaningless. Private life - gone, vanished, perished and with it - well, to now, I'll keep it to myself. I know - it's me, right? It's never them, it's always you (Dylan Moran). I am a very calm person and still I found myself flinging my keys almost out the window the moment I stepped in my room, because I had forgetten about the open window. My foorwear touched the ceiling and landed behing a door. ... and they didn't even make a sound ... . ... I got my angel now ... . and the possibility of even seeing that angel are diminished to a mere fraction of a chance. The consolation - leisure (after my daily rounds, obviously) and a bag of megasized potato chips. A glance to my own imagination by an outsider might help me with my quest. Dashboard?? Right, to hell with this, but no - I can't - I've an obligation . . . to whom and what for and whence and for what and why and what for - what the fuck for???

Meaningless gibberish and still the best observation of one's mind. Laziness hit me . . . also insomnia and a whooping cough and depression - wonder why? I don't. I know the reason - not that I can do anything about it. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy and the number 42. Why seems it so important all of a sudden? And meaningful? Even the calmest and organised mind can be tipped over like a raft made of paper. You're everything I need and more - and I can't even lay my eyes upon you. Makes me sad to think of it. Makes me mad to think about the reason. Makes me wonder when did I start to express emotions again? Oh, right - I didn't. I just write down what I would've thought. That makes sense to me. But then again I'm senseless to begin with, so that leaves it be. "If I can get that last bit of card off there . . . " let me see your halo . . . the Improbability Device of some sort . . . But a 7,5 million year long thing with the answer of 42 and not knowing the question - I like the book - I can relate to it. To listen to a song for more than twenty times at almost maximum sound and not getting bored with or about it - amazing. You're everything I need and more - it's written all over your face. I can see your halo. Tiredness, typos and yet I can't sleep for I know that every second awake is one that's won by me to seize the day and do something for my own account. Unfortunately that leaves me with a despairingly little amount of sleep and it's taking its toll. To resist all that is thrown at me from one very particular angle is all I can do - no mental, physical or any kind of strenght to fight back.

Halo. feel, see . . . the silence when I take off the earphones will be absolute - compared to what I'm used to now.

Irritable.

Energetic, impatient, incoherent, obnoxious, out-of-this-world, mindblowing, self-centered, beyond one's wildest imaginations, ungrateful, impulsive and at the same time compulsive, irritating, self-absorbed, wilful, will-less, irritating, foreboding, irritating, time-consuming, irritating, unsatisfied, irritable, bickering, irritating, obstinate, irritating, inco . . . irritable, irritating, irritating, irritating.

(possibly the most irritating piece of writing I've ever done and at the same time one of the very best - in my mind).

Here we go again.

I know, I know. I haven't written anything for so long. Let's get down to business then.

The reason why I haven't written anything is that nothing has happened that needs to be talked about. Although - recently school kind of ended. So that's always nice. But I feel like I didn't finish it all. All - means all relationships with my mates there. By mates I mean all the people that went to the same school. I feel like something is left dangling. It might be relationships with my teachers, my peers or with myself (yes, I do have many relationships within myself and they're not all good).

Isn't it funny though - the more we think, the more we worry? I recently attended a mass-kind-of-thing and it left me with a head full of questions. The speaker said that we needen't worry - leave it all to God. What kind of advice is that? Don't worry - God will handle all things that need to be handled. I was baffled with that statement. I never thought any Christian would ever give me that kind of advice. In my mind (I know I misinterpret such thing often), the guy said - God gave us free will but no chance to use it for doing good. He Himself handles all these things. He actually said that we need not to worry about mundane tasks like tests at school, relationships, work etc. What the hell?? So I'm supposed to live my life, making all the right decisions and still I'm not in control of my own life? OK, so if I trust God, He will know what's best for me and will make it happen. So why give us free will in the first place??? It's so controversial - "hey, here's free will, use it well, but know that I'm in control anyways - so it doesn't matter what you do with your free will, I control your life no matter what." Another thing - a very controversial fact - they usually say that we must take responsibility for our actions, right. It's a known truth. Although, a few days ago I heard the exact opposite - the responsibility for all the major decisions lies entirely on God. Spare me, please! Let me know when you've made up your mind, OK?

In order to teach and spread a religion, one must be persistent and consistent, right? Correct me if I'm wrong, but what kind of a religion is it, where everybody takes a portion of the Holy of Holiest Books and lives by it? Not the entire book, but just a part of it that suits best with the ideas of the person or the group to which one belongs. It's the same as taking the Constitution or the Estonian Principal Law. No way are you allowed to follow only a part of the rules. There are penalties for disobeying the rules. It should be the same with every religion - if you exclude a part of the Book by which your community (famil, Church, whatever) leads it's life - there should be a penalty for that. But no - every group believes that no matter what part of the Holy Book they follow and obey their final goal will be heaven/Nirvana/eternal bliss/reincarnation.

Despite being repetitious - religion is a deeply PERSONAL experience. For some reason I don't really get all choked up about a book that describes miracles that took place 2000 years ago, while the book itself was written almost 600 years after all the miracles took place. How come the book stops there? What happened next? The Holy Books describe something until a certain point. But if they should be considered to be books on the religions' history, I call that the book is incomplete. I am fairly certain that the religions' history ended where the Holy Book ended at. It would be the same to write a history book (write it in the year 2009 A.D) describing a town called Tartu. "It was first mentioned by an arab geographer in 1030 etc . . . up until the point where Tartu was one of the main trading routes operator on the Pärnu-Peipsi line during Middle Ages in the 15th and 16th century." That's all - no books will ever cover the time in between now and the time the book stopped at. And even if there are such books, these are not considered to be on the same level as the first one. Let's take the Bible. Why are there no (religious) books describing Christianity from where it stopped to the Nicaen creed, which was the time, when the Bible was composed through a vote? Why? There are history books related to the theme but they're not considered to be important for faith of Christians. Right. What happened? Christianity was put on hold for several hundred years? Surely something happened. Did they mourn Jesus for all that time? Did they consider that the Bible was sufficient enough - no need to cover any other event in history? Or did they decide it was best to leave the rest out, which to me seems the most obvious way of handling such a crisis.

Bear with me just a moment more. Somehow I just can't trust a religion based on Sun worship, with most of the world as followers never even knowing the fact. Christianity is not original. It is not even the oldest religion. Judaism in general, buddhism, taoist beliefs all hail the arrival of the so-called Messiah. All at different times and different places. Why is Christianity The Correct Religion? I don't get it and probably never will. I hope that billions of people haven't wasted their time going to church every SUNday and when the Apocalypse arrives they'll be on the escalator towards the Golden Gates of Heaven and they'll be able to say to me: "Told you so!" Hopefully my sister and the whole Risttee, Salemi and Kolgata congregations and all pious and good people will be there. I wish them well and finally I'll be able to say: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned and the biggest sin was against You! And I know now that I was mistaken but let me rejoyce one last time for all the people who made the right decision in their heart - I was sad enough to not be able to accept You in my life and heart!" For some reason I feel there will not be only Christians on the escalator, I believe there will be deeply pious and great human beings who have never even considered Christianity, but instead chose Buddhism or any other religion or no religion at all. But they were just great people and they lead good, honourable lives and inspired others to do so as well and they were pure of heart and they lacked the hatred I possess oh so much.

I believe! But not as you do, who try and fill my head with even more confusing stuff every weekend. Don't be so controversial and hypocritical and I'll consider you with more respect.

Belief in a Supreme Being (Christ, Buddha, Faith, Zeus, Poseidon, whoever you want) has led many people to better lives and purer hearts and for that I thank all the religions and personal beliefs in the world. Thank you, but I have found My Way and it may be wrong, it may mean I'll suffer forever for the consequences, but at least I can, before my death look at others and hopefully say that yes, I made a mistake and you were right. May you have a long and glorious eternity! Be safe my readers and try and be kind to all around you! Please.

I've

got low tolerance for stupid bullshit.

Upside down.

Don't you ever get the feeling that you can't grasp anything anymore - all of it seems to slipping away . . . ? I do - right now. I feel something . . . I know something will happen very soon and it grieves the hell out of me, that I don't know what it is. I feel like the CIA (Central Intuitive Agency) working with Ms Cleo. (Robin Williams:))

Seriously - I need to think. Just take some time and figure all of this shit out. Thank you, that's all.

Flashback

Now - I shouldn't remember it, but I had the weirdest flasback in my life. I went to a store (a corner-shop, kiosk, if you please) and as I stepped in I could feel the shivers on my spine . . . As I were reliving the experiences of these thousands of people, who stood in long lines everyday, just to get a loaf of bread. I looked around in that shop and all I could feel, was despair - the shelves were empty. I have never seen such a sight (no, I've seen it, but I don't remember it). I felt gratitude for having something like close to a hundred stores I could choose from, but I selt of surge of realization wash over me. This is what stores were like not so long ago - I was alive at that time. And then another realization hit me - in Cuba . . . it's still like that. People waiting in long, long lines just so that they could survive. I'm not even going to mention the problems in Africa, because when I get to the poverty and wars that take place there every day, I would type away for a whole day.

Instead, I despise myself. Just imagine the life my parents gave me. I've had everything I ever wanted. And still I complained. :S:S:S I wanted a toy, a treat, a bag of chips or whatever . . . at a time, when my mom was living alone, raising two children and working double-shifts just to keep the family alive. My respect for my mother and her parents rose like a thousand-fold. Just imagine . . .

Exponentially.

Continuing with Lewis Black. :)

"But this year's Superbowl was historic, because for the first time ever I spent the first six minutes watching this game, they went to four minutes of commercials, they came back . . . I forgot who was playing. And some of the commercials are spectacular, they're extraordinary, they're like mystery stories. You don't even know what they are selling, until the very end. . . .Three rabbits are on a log and one of them goes home and hangs himself. . . . . Buy a bike . . .
Pepsi ran an ad. At the last Superbowl, there was the most psychotic ad I've ever seen. The ad was starring Britney Spears. She came out and she was singing about Pepsi. But you don't know what she was singing, cause she can't sing. So the message you got, was titty, titty, titty, ass, ass, ass, titty, titty, ass, ass, ass, more ass, titty, titty, titty, ass, ass, titty, titty, ass. Then it was half-time. And half-time at the Superbowl is the best. Because half-time at the Superbowl has gotten exponentially worse every year. I use the word exponentially, because I was taught it in a math class and that's the first sentence I could use it in. Exponentially worse means crappier and crappier and crappier. Last year the half-time show was presented by MTV. Cause, when I think music - oh yeah, I think MTV. The people, who have done everything they could in my lifetime to destroy music as I know it. And in case you don't realize it, MTV is to music, as KFC is to chicken. So who does MTV get to play at half-time? They get N'Sync. Sure, cause when I think football, I think N'Sync. And it was interesting cause I'd never heard N'Sync play, cause when they come on, I like to take a pencil and shove it in my ear. And that would have been enough for a half-time show, but no. Quite shortly thereafter they are joined by AeroSmith. I have N'Sync and AeroSmith . . . and I am confused. N'Sync and AeroSmith are two bands that shouldn't be in the same state at the same time. So N'Sync and AeroSmith began to play, but they played was no music. What you heard was the sound of chaos. I know that sounds strange, but it's true. Because I could hear the sounds of pigs being slaughtered, and women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth. I heard sounds that were so horrible, if I were to repeat them to you, you would flee this room in horror. I thought - this has got to be over soon. I've been watching this half-time show since I was eleven years old. But no. The boys are joined by Britney Spears. I have N'Sync and AeroSmith and Britney Spears - I have trifecta from hell. But I was lucky, because I had a spoon in my hand and I shoved it up my ass. . . . . . . you may be wondering why - to distract myself from the pain. Because if I'm gonna hurt that much, I'm gonna do it to myself. Oprah calls that empowerment."

One last thought to end the program. The more you learn, the more you realize how much more there is to learn. And to top it all off - CandyCorn is the only candy in the history of the United States that has never been advertised - just a little sneak preview.

And remember folks, demolition is always much, much easier than building - especially now - that credit crunch has left people homeless and house foundationless and foundations houseless and houses wall-less and again people hopeless. The really saddening part is the graph that shows that in January there were thousands of robberies and burglaries. And here comes the saddest part - some of the people who got swept away by the credit crunch and turned to thievery have now gone to take their own lives. That is sad indeed - life is sacred, I believe and to waste it by deceiting God (or intelligent design - whatever you wanna call Him) . . . well, it's an easier way out. But even I, who has considered suicide one time or another in my life, have found reasons to live - not one, but many.

Please, come to your senses!

School

As I have resorted to only writing inexplicable and ludicrous texts, here we go again. And I quote: (this time from a comedy show by Lewis Black) "I've seen the end of the Universe and it's in the United States and oddly enough it's in Houston, Texas. Imagine my surprise, when I left the comedy club one day and walked to the end of the block. And on one streetcorner there was a Starbucks... And opposite to that Starbucks, in the same exact building as that Starbucks, there was a Starbucks. I looked back and forth, thinking the Sun was playing tricks with my eyes. But there was a Starbucks across from a Starbucks. [...] What kind of people need the service of a Starbucks across from a Starbucks. I thought about this long and hard and I found only one group people. There's only one group of people that would make this joke of mine work. And these are people with Alzheimer's. It has to be a group of people that can drink coffee all day and then walk across the floor and open the door and say: "Gentlemen, do my eyes decieve me? I believe that's a Starbucks. I believe that it's time for a cup-a-Joe!" [...] I say that's the end of the Universe. People ask how do I know. I say, go there, look at your watch, time stands still!"

Stand still and observe - observe people all around you and respect them. I know I'm in search of the utopic way of life. But I can't help it. I just need to see happiness. All I can see in people, are insults, deceitfulness, disillusionment, heartache and despair. People may seem to happy and confident on the first glance. But when looked deeper and deeper inside people, I have come to find out, that most people are insecure inside, like lost puppies in a crowded fun-fair, like lost little children in a crowded Madonna concert. All are in search and pursuit of something . . . most are pursuing goals, that they will never achieve. And most have seen troubled times and have been hurt - severely. And I feel sorry for them. As Eminem sang . . . "I can see you're sad, even when you smile, even when you laugh, I can see it in your eyes, deep inside you wanna cry, cause you're scared [...]"

That's what I have noticed too - the eyes betray us. I have seen it far too often to take it non-chalantly. I care, believe it or not. I just met a wonderful person and even though she smiles a lot and she has a very beautiful smile, I can see in her eyes that she's troubled, she's having a problem, a memory she can't get rid of. She is slightly older than me and yet as I peek inside herself, I see that her heart and soul are younger than me. She hides, like most of us, behind a pretended faćade of confidence. And I feel so bad and I feel so sad for them, for I don't have a heart, I have a piece of flint as a heart-substitute. I'd like to comfort all those people, but I'm too selfish . . .

With that I leave you today to sit and wonder - what the f**k is wrong with this EMO? And I grant you that . . . I may be an emo for your eyes and I won't get offended for as I said - my heart has been replaced by a piece of stone-cold flint.

Uutšitsja, uutšitsja, uutšitsja

Eks nii see läheb . . . kirjutangi eesti keeles. No, vahepeal ikka võib. Blogid . . . ja kõik muu jura siin elus saab kord otsa. Saab otsa raha, sest seda pole tegelikult kunagi olnudki; saab otsa sõprus, sest ka selline asi tegelikult ei eksisteeri (on vaid keemilised reaktsioonid inimeste kehades, mis saavad alguse aju erinevaist kihtidest ja piirkondadest) jne jne jne. Saab otsa kõik hea ja saab otsa kõik halb. Õhus on tunda lõppemise lõhna. Iga suletud ukse kohta on kuskil avatud aken ja vice versa (parafraseering).

"You gotta laugh while you can." (Carlos Mencia). Pidage see meeles! "Be on the look-out for things that make you laugh, if you see nothing worth laughing at, pretend you see it, then laugh!" (Bill Bailey, Black Books. Pidage ka see meeles.

Ja dieedifriikidele kogu maailmas: "Viis minutit naeru asendab pätsi leiba!" (Five minutes of laughter substitutes a loaf of bread.) (N.Nossov)

Lõpetaks selle kõige loogikavastasema blogi tsitaadiga filmist "Johnny English" . . . "Jesus is coming, act busy!"

आईटी'स थे फिनल कोउन्त्दोवं.

नो, इ वास अस्केद तो राइट अन एंडिंग तो माय ब्लॉग। तेरे विल बे नोन - अस माय ब्लॉग इस थे वे आईटी इस बेकाउसे आईटी इस थे वे आईटी इस। इफ आईटी वासन'टी वे आईटी इस, आईटी वौल्दं'टी बे थऐ वे आईटी इस।
आईटी वास फूं फॉर अ व्हिले। थैंक्स फॉर बीइंग हियर विथ में एंड एवें रीडिंग सम ऑफ़ थे जंक इ पोस्टेड हियर।

इ नेवर क्नेव व्रितिंग कोउल्ड बे थिस फूं, बुत नो इ क्नोव - वहत'स फूं फॉर में, दोएसं'टी गो वेल विथ ओथेर पीपुल। नेवेर मंद - इ'ल सून बे ऑफ़।

:) बाय, या'ल

I've got N'Sync, Aerosmith and Britney . . . and I'm confused

"Here we are - born to be kings. We're the princes of the Universe." (Queen)

Still, what are we really - a complex compilation of even more complex systems . . . (like the self-replicating DNA etc). We are just beings looking for a place in this world. Some of us choose totally wrong careers - that's why we see so many angry people amongst ourselves: shop-keepers who despise their every client; taxi-drivers who despise their every client; police officers who despise their every "client". And then there are those, who read too much into things - get offended for a totally meaningless blog; those who see the world plainly in black and white; those who seem to find it totally absurd to even consider a meaningful argument. I reminds me of Carlos Mencia: "How retarded do you have to be to look at a dog and say: "Hey, that's me!!!"?.

We all come from different backgrounds, we all have different views, we all see the world and other people differently. As I have said - I don't consider myself superior nor inferior to any human being - I just am. Let's get this straight once and for all. I do not exalt myself above anyone. Nor do I berate myself. I do not think that I'm better than anyone and I refuse to believe that I'm not as good as everyone else. I just exist . . . We all have the same opportunities - we all start from scratch. (Robin Williams: "Some people are born great, some achieve greatness, some get it as a graduation gift!")
I disagree to some extent - Ok, some people acquire a certain position thanks to their parents. But to be a "great person" - that's a different thing altogether. Some say - genes make out what we are to become . . . nope - the person makes out what becomes of him/her. Who becomes a great person, is successful. Who does not - is not successful and has only himself to blame. The ones that do not achieve greatness, only find excuses - like me . . . (I always make the sort of excuses Carlos Mencia would murder me for: "If a black man can't get a job, the white men took it; when a woman can't get a job, the men with their evil penises of death took it etc.)

Only that I don't make excuses about my job, cause I don't work yet. But the idea remains the same.

OK, that post made no sense once again, so Helena can be happy about her again. (but one good day I will set fire to a house that carries a name "Alekand's house" on it). And to close this post off, I need to apologize to all the people I have hurt directly and indirectly with my posts. I apologize sincerely, for I never wanted to hurt anyone. And to let you all - 3 of you, right? - know, that from now on I might be posting only short and meaningless posts here with all my other posts will go to another, private blog, that only I can view (thanks to some angry "fan-mail" - it only confirmed my initial idea, that this blog is a waste of everyone else's time).

I know noone cares, but as my ideas are not accepted by others (although I knew that beforehand) I decided to not make matters worse by trying to change this blog or my views. I'll just move on to publishing my own views to only myself. It was great writing to you, guys - Merlin, Helena, Helena and Kristi. Sorry to have taken up so much of your time. Bye.

Hear ye! Hear ye!

I could've gone my whole life without knowing some things I do happen to know by accident. Like who fucked who at what time, who screwed (two possibilities here) who - where and when, who had a secret of some kind that noone knew about etc etc etc

What baffles me, is how people find me to be as a good listener. I hardly ever listen to a person very thoroughly - unless I like the person very much, of course. I usually have nothing to say to these people, nor can I sympathise with them (an obscure idea in itself, I know).

But all of that is just a little filler to move on to the next bit. Whenever talking to fellow humans . . . we talk in Estonian. I have some friends to talk to in English, as well . . . Now, I'm no linguist, but . . . I must agree with John Humphries - there is too much idiotic language around. We all know what the person tries to say even though they strangle and massacre the language which they are using. "From empty cliche to meaningless jargon, dangling participle to sentences without verbs, the English language is reeling. It is under attack from all sides. Politicians dupe us with deliberately evasive language. Bosses worry about impacting the bottom line while they think out of the box. Academics talk obscure mumbo jumbo. Journalists and broadcasters, who should know better, lazily collaborate. John Humphrys wittily and powerfully exposes the depths to which our beautiful language has sunk and offers many examples of the most common atrocities. He also dispenses some sensible guidance on how to use simple, clear and honest language. Above all, he shows us how to be on the alert for the widespread abuse - especially by politicians - and the power of the English language."

It applies to every language spoken. Now, I know that I'm no master of language - I use dumb phrases and repetitions and my spelling and grammar are at best woeful. I decided against trying to post a "reader's letter" to Postimees or any other online newspaper long ago. It's not like I have nothing to say, rather than I know noone wants to read my views or even publish them - I do not represent the public view. But when I do, when I do publish anything - even on this blog, I try my best to make it easily readable, understandable, and correct in any way - at least I try. When I mispronounce a word, I usually notice it. The same with mistyping - I try my best . . .

I only wish it applied to everyone - but it doesn't. How is it possible, I don't understand, to murder a language and not even think about the consequences? When I use bad and broken language at home - it's ok, as long as my kids never hear it. It is always acceptable, if you are the only one suffering from the bad language you use. But when others are affected by it - well, I just think that't wrong. I know there's no stopping the downfall - most of teachers are not capable of pouring wisdom into childrens' heads and that's how it's supposed to be. Kids should want to learn - but they don't - rather, they'd like to learn a language from a computer-game or a video-game or a cartoon or on the backs of Yu-Gi-Oh playing cards. So they learn all the angry expressions like "slay, defeat, murder, monster, hideous, deranged" and so on and so forth. And respect for teachers has undergone a major degression . . . It is exponentially harder to please kids as a teacher, especially when you are only 6-7 years older than your pupils (as most young, bright, talented, fresh-out-of-school teachers are). No respect whatsoever. And it gets worse with the school's level - in higher-rated schools the problem is there, but not that severe. Although, in schools with lower ratings, things are out of hand and there's no cure. The result is this - poor students create poor teachers, poor teachers mean poor teachings and poor teachings lead way to even poorer students. Unless there's a very direct, swift and accurate change in country's educational system, we'll be on a neverending escalator towards lowest achievements imaginible.

I can see you all now - closing your browser windows in outrage - that blog makes no sense - and I quite agree. All I can say, is that I am a very angry little man who feasts on other's happiness and misfortunes. I sometimes do stoop to the level on online commentators and I despise myself for that. But that's just who I am.

People...

As I have come to find out (besides the fact that I don't post very often), people are stupid, ignorant and deceitful. The best way to see that is to read comments on an article. People got furious over the fact that Liis Lass attended the President's reception. People are flustered and angry when a police officer gives a ticket to a person, who doesn't obey traffic-laws. They get mad over the fact that there are more succesluf people in the world. And so on and on and on and on and on. Why is that?

I thought (naively) that maybe it's because Estonian people are just angry and disappointed and jealous, so that they need to axpress their anger in their comments. But no - looking at foreign sites, I see even more anger, even greater accusations, even more bewildering jealousy. Even more so in sports. If a player, who plays for the national side (that seems to indicate that the person is very good at what one's doing), misses a penalty-kick or a free-throw or doesn't make a touchdown or fails to complete a homerun, people treat it as it was the end of days.

I have managed to keep myself away from posting any comments and some people seem to think that I have acted wrongly. No, I just keep my cool and try not to stoop to their (internet commentators's) level. Even if I post anything on a website . . . what good is going to come out of it? Is Ms Lass going to stop going to these kinds of events? Hardly. Are they going to let the player take the kick again? Never. Is the player going to quit his job as a professional player? Not in a million years. Are the police going to annulate their ticket? Nope.

Therefore I see no point. Yes, it's everybody's right to express their views. But how to make that view public and be civilised about it as well? There seems no way - as long as people still remain angry about it. There is maybe one comment in twenty that does not act foolhardy . . . One person always expresses their disappointment for the rest of the commentators. And I applaud these people.

Yes, I do get angry from time to time. Yes, I'd like to smash my glass against the wall when my favourite player takes a dive or misses the easiest shot ever. Yes, I am pissed off at politicians who seem to be unable to make a decent decision even if their life depended on it. And how do I feel about Ms Lass . . . well, outrage of course. But never, in my wildest dreams, would I think of going on a ramble on the Internet . . . lashing out senseless arguments that change nothing. Where's the fucking point? I have different outlets for my anger - the piano, sports, listening to music, debating in a fierce mood with my family or friends who either agree or disagree with me. I find that working out my anger like that - in a civilised conversation at home or in a pub - has more use to it and reaches more people than sitting at home, fiercely tapping away at your keyboard. (I do realize that what I'm doing right now contradicts everything I have said so far).

But seriously - how retarded do you have to be to say these kinds of things - "Man kills wife for cheating" (the title of the article) and comments - "good riddens" (never mind the grammar or spelling, most of them have never known that it's should have, not should of), or "I woulda done tha same thing" or "well done, mate" or "You aint' cheatin now, are you?:D:D:D" or "but I would of raped her before killing her to show her whos boss ;)" or "I still wait for the law of being able to kill the woman who cheats by throwing stones at her, publicly:)" . . . etc.

Now, my question . . . what goes through their mind when writing that? What are they trying to say? Are they, in their minds, making a funny joke? or in their minds stating an intelligent view? or simply speaking their mind? In any case it shows only their limited brain capacity in doing so. No way would they speak like that if confronted by a reporter in the middle of the street. One other thing I like to do - read forums . . . One especially nice one is the delfi Naistekas. Oh, you could spend hours there, reading really bad Estonian, feeling bad for the person who started the theme. Like - "my husband cheats" (title, followed by an article of one of the saddest stories ever) and the comments are all like ones I described earlier.

It all just makes me sad, that people can be so idiotic, ignorant and plainly cruel. I am disappointed in humans far too often nowadays. I know I sound very much naive right now, but I can't help it. It's just who I am.

Feminism . . . Equality . . .

Well, here I am . . . (DM)

Now I'm going to piss off almost all my readers . . . that's 2 out of 3 at the moment (since 1 is enjoying a nice well-deserved holiday in Canary Islands somewhere). Feminism . . . pretty good idea in my mind. Women should get equal treatment. But . . . they should not moan about it every now and then. If a woman wants to be paid the same amount of money men are paid, they should be able to get what they want. But only when they work the same amount of time, have same working-hours and have the same results.

Hypothetically - there is a job, that needs 30% wit and 70% strength and agility. Two people apply - a man and a woman. Man has to get at least 25 points out of 30 in the strength exam and 20 out of 30 in the intelligence exam. Woman has to get 20 for strength and 17-18 for intelligence. Man gets that needed 25 and 20 and woman gets that 20 and 20. Now, you're the employer - who do you choose? Both are eligible for the job. I would go for the man, won't you? If a man fails a test and a woman succeeds - ok, woman gets the job - even if the man has 30 out of 30 in the physical.

But here's the tricky part - women complain about being mistreated - they are not given the same opportunities as men. They also complain when they are preferred to a job even though a man is better suited. They say, that that describes them as inferior beings - that they somehow need to be treated softer. Which is it then? Are you protesting against not getting enough chances or being given too many chances (maybe unfairly, but still). I can't follow the logic. If I find that the woman can do the work better, of course I'm gonna hire her.
I have to pause here . . . more to come very soon.

I promised . . .

. . . to talk about my holiday. It's been a month now and things have finally settled down. I got exactly two gifts and I like both of them. I spent time with my relatives and we got along really nice. And the most positive of all is, that my sister managed to derail me only once.

All in all - I don't like Christmas . . . It's Christ's birthday - I don't believe in Christ. Why do I need to celebrate it? Why is it that people need an excuse to buy things . . . People spend money on worthless and pointless crap all year long and when Christmas arrives . . . well, people shop even more - but this time without feeling guilty . . . because "they are experiencing the joy of giving". What rubbish. Yeah, the joy of giving, the joy of giving idiotic things to idiots. I never ask anything for Christmas (because I don't want to celebrate it) and when my mom forces me to, I ask for something useful - something that I really need (not just want). I'd like to have an iPod Touch, iMac computer and my own flat and a car . . . but I don't need those objects - I got a sportsbag, which I needed, because I didn't have one . . . I got a book, because I like reading books. That's all I needed at the time. Whenever I need something else, I will go and buy that something. End of mystery . . . No, not really - people can't be reasonable . . . sadly . . .

An American supermarket had a Christmas sell - all the prices in half and 70% off and crap like that . . . (I know, I know: "but many people just wait till Christmas season and then purchase something they need (not as a present) at half a price. Ok, fair enough - though, do these people realize that they know there a sale and they buy shit without looking at the pricetag? No, they don't . . . the fact of the matter is - all the "70% off" bullshit is . . . well, bullshit. They have invented new, higher prices before the large sale to still rip you off. There might be some discount but mostly there is none.) And the first day, when people all tried to get into the supermarket at the same time to be the first to buy all the stupid shit they don't need, they trampled the young smiling lady, who opened the door to them, to death. Now that, I can tell you, is madness.

As human beings, we are sad, lonely and mad. Love doesn't exist, soulmates are non-existant and success is just an imagi converted in our mind by our subconscious need to better your mate.

"People spend money they don't have on things they don't need" - George Carlin. Never more so true than now - in the time of the so-called "credit-crunch". Everyone has a credit card which represents money they don't have . . . Everyone's house/apartment is filled with stuff they didn't need, want or like when they got home. "Consumption is the number one pastime in America. Forget baseball!" - again, Carlin... If you need refrigerator, go and buy a fridge . . . you need a stationary cupboard - go get one then. But I . . . I have slept on a mattress for two years now - everybody keeps telling me how I need a bed. You see - I don't even want a thing I need. (even though I might have the resources needed to buy what I need). I'm not a cheap-skape, but I know that I can get on without . . . pretty much everything. I don't like spending money (especially on clothes). The only things I do believe that money is worth spending on are books and love. Books contain vital pieces of information needed to survive in this wacky world of ours. And love - well, you need some way of reproducing, don't you? Family is always an important area of money-spending - the more you pour in, the more comes out of it. The future is in the hands of our children - let's create the means to capitalise on that chance. (even though I never plan on having any children - I'm controversial and a hypocrite, I know).

Last, but not least - what's so special about the changing of a number? If the numbers make out 12:00 am it's midnight - they were just a second ago 11:59(:59) . . . they changed into 12:00 . . . Nothing special - happens every day. But if 1999 turns into 2000 there are billions of people partying their asses off and drinking - just because they are able to buy a new calendar. (Nobody seems bothered by the fact that every year within the confines of the New Years celebrations many people die in the same way the poor girl did, who tried to be nice and open the door to let in thousands of people who didn't have anything of their own, so they needed to buy somehing because things were running out very quickly (it doesn't matter to them that if they bought the toaster a week before, they might have gotten it cheaper and the selection would have been a lot bigger and better).).

Why is the number so important? Cause many people still truly believe that a new year is going to change the way they act - new beginning, new opportunity. "I'm gonna be nicer to people and finally ask my girlfriend to marry me and stop smoking" is just one of cliché's you'll hear every first of January. The fact of the matter is - nothing is going to change, just because the number of the year changed. It's all down to human emotions - new gives hope, newer is better, newer is always much more in. In truth, the only things that a new year provides, are a new calendar, a new fashion-trend and a bunch of year-related accsessories (comp.games, note-pads, mobiles, all kind of other "hobnob"). Of course you cannot continue with your daily-planner if the year is 2009 and your planner is according to the 2008 calendar - that's normal. But pretending that the changing of the year can change you - is utter idiocracy. "I'm gonna quit smoking!" Very noble of you. How about making the decision when you first came to think it? I have made promises like that - I have quit smoking for about a million times . . . Some times were even related to the New Year. No, I couldn't do it. It's not because the year just wasn't good for me . . . It was because the promise was made in an euphoric state related to New Years' celebrations - but the next day I saw that the grass was still as green on 1st of January as it was on the 31st of December. And it was because I'm a spineless worm . . . New year did not make me any stronger in that matter.

Wow - this post really sucks. I hope you all (all 4 yes) comment on it and disagree it in every way - I know I left tons of places that are open for discussion).

Fire away.

Let's see here, now.

I finally made it . . . I took a pencil and wrote down some words . . . Then another accomplishment - I managed to scribble down some notes in my notebook . . . meaning I kinda created a tune for these words. I rejoyced for about 15 minutes, but when I played the whole thing to myself, it didn't sound like a song, it didn't sound like anything more than a screwed up attempt to show myself in better light! So there is work to do. (I never thought that writing a tune for a song about 3 sentences in lenght, would take up three quarters of an hour.)

Anyways, things are warming up - no, the weather is still crap - and I'm soon out of ideas. School ends very very shortly - one might say school is almost over. That's frightening because it means I have yet another school to enter, devour, puke up and disappoint in. We'll see - that's still to come. On another note - relationships . . . with family - so and so, friend - pretty ok, women - . . . (no words - can't think of any), myself - total anarchy and chaos. All in all - all seems fine and dandy.

Although I find myself drawn to BB in these troubled times - "all the happy couples who would mock me with their merry laughter, hahahaaaa!" (but then you came . . . and my world was turned upside down)

I know I'm making no sense at all - the text is all messed up and tangled up and no logical order is to be found here and I'm sorry for that. The thing is I'm having one of these streams of conciousness where I can't help it - I just write down everything I think of.

That's all from me today, I'm gonna go and dress inside out and upside down.

Finally

So, it's been two weeks since I posted anything. Let's get rolling with new speed in the New Year. It has come to my attention, that somewhere around the time when I didn't post anything, Christmas has come and gone, New Year has arrived and the Christmas decorations have outlasted them all.

Now, what was I gonna say? Quickly now, I can't do everything around here. Yes, it seems I've entered a dimension of dunno. Like Fran in Black Books. A big cloud of dunno. Soon, school will end. Relationships are getting much harder to sort out. My own personal state has become uncertain yet again and things are not going according to plan. We'll see, how it all works out, but I have a sneaking suspicion, that the end result will not be very favorable to me.

Anyways - soon to follow - my holiday festive, my personal life and a bit of the humor that has lead me through life so far. Soon.