nameless

We've come to that point now.

Equations - especially balancing them. Always tricky. The balance of nature - always easy and logical if you know where to look. Good and evil, happiness and sadness, fulfillment and unfulfillment and so on and on and on.

I know there's a certain order in the world and I don't want to argue that. I just am really interested . . . in everything - and that's paying off. I finally managed to make a triple. It's so funny, right? I have always been the one to say that words can't hurt. And I still believe that. It's not the words that hurt us - it's the feeling attached to them. Say "I love you!" to a stranger on a street - see the response - it's made by the feeling the person attaches it to - "a stranger talking to me - saying such things - a mad person, obviously" . . . Some take it in stride, some take it as a joke. Some are insulted (usually for personal psychological reasons). But insult someone - compare the emotions generated by those two. Right - the reason is that I thought I was immune. I stood in front of the exam committee and took a verbal punch after verbal punch and dealt with it with no more worries than a light blush and that also was not because of the questions asked from me. You can imagine my surprise . . . well, maybe I shouldn't - since I was the one pushing it. Oh, well - the idea is, that it made my stomach churn. And one really, very, awsomely powerful feeling came back to me - flooding me, embracing me thoroughly in itself and suffocating me. And me - with my usual coldness, took in stride, like all the time I had done in school, still do in school . . . I sat there, figured it out - blankly, no emotion, besides the one I was subconsciously supressing with all my willpower to not show it to anyone. Although, I was alone . . .

I understand it - I feel it. Or do I? The thing is - I'm tired - I probably over-reacted (under-reacted actually) . . . And it was me, always me, who explained himself too shabbily. Too weak were the explanations, too weak the bluff. I feel cold, but I can deal with that. I feel weak, but I can deal with that. I feel, but I can deal with that. I feel empty - that I can't deal with. There's a ray of light, though. It might just be that - a ray . . . without any light. But I can be happy to know that the ray has shone on me. It has let its light on me. And I could die happy knowing that.

Just . . . you know - the best is bullshit. It has been proven. And yet I doubt - I, for once know the best . . . the best for me. The best . . . And all the other bests are nothing to that one best, right? Right. I'll accept that.