What??? I don't understand. Tell me, please, someone - what is wrong with certain people? I don't understand that. To me, relationships are never easy nor shallow. But still, I don't commit an anecdotal mental suicide, when things are not going my way.
Here's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth: I met a girl. A student in the same school I was in. I was attracted to her and not having enough experience in relationships, I got attached too deep. And I've been trying to undo the damage ever since. I never wanted for her to get hurt. But you know Russians - like gypsies - hurt them and they will hate you for life, be nice to them and you won't get rid of them. So, here was my dilemma - I was prepared to act in some kind of a relationship with her. Whatever the kind was. To the best of my knowledge, we were fuck-buddies, well, no, actually we never even reached that level. I tried to be friends with her. I tried to reason with her. I tried and tried and again and again and again. And I failed miserably every time. The fact that I was so inexperienced, left me dangling and not able to let go of her, because I knew I would've hurt her. Now I realize, I should've hurt her a long time ago . . . then the pain wouldn't have been so deep. I exited with no real regrets, other than hurting her. I am as strong-shelled as I need to be and it didn't hurt me nearly as much as it must've hurt her.
Now to the really fun part. We had sex. It was okay. I found out she was in a relationship. It was not okay. I found out that she broke up with him. That was fine. They got together two days after that. That was not fine. She said she broke up with him. That was good. I found out later that she lied. That was not good. We spent time together and I realised that we could be good friends. That was OK. We had sex. That was not OK. She broke up with him again. Now, that was not good. I tried to console her. Then things went out hand. She wanted a relationship. She wanted me to be her boyfriend. I didn't want to be that. She didn't understand that. She was still together with her boyfriend. I explained to her how relationships work. I did it for two hours and she seemed to understand that. Two days later I realised she hadn't even listened to what I said. She listened, but did not hear anything I said. It went worse. She didn't understand anything I said - how could she expect me to be her boyfriend when she said that she wasn't sure whether she could be faithful to me. What kind of a relationship would it be??? She never understood the reasons why I didn't like her. Lies, deceit and more lies. No way I could trust anything she said.
Let's get it straight - she lied to me from the beginning and continued her track of lies to the end. And she got pissed off at me when I said I couldn't be with her. And she got pissed off at her for not hugging her or kissing her when I saw her, while she still was together with her man. She got pissed off at me, when I made fun. She got angry when I tried to do anything that I liked. She never understood what I had actually given her. She never appreciated the fact that I sacrificed two years' worth of relationships just to not make her sad or hurt her.
Then came the climax - I met this wonderful woman and I knew I had to be with her. And then there was Her. I had to say that I had had enough of this cherade. I told her bluntly that I was seeing someone and we could probably make something happen. I had to let her go - I had seen her break up with her boyfriend for 5 times in two years - I had always been there for her, sacrificed so much to her. And when I exposed to her, that I, actually also have a life, she quit speaking to me. I know I should be happy, because I'm free and I'm trying to be. With help from this new aquintance I am happy. Happier than I ever was with that co-student of mine. I feel that I'm accepted for who I am. If for two years I hadn't had the chance to express myself freely, now I feel that I can. And it feels great. I never realised how much she hampered me in my life. And yet, here I am, like I'm reborn.
Yesterday I realized I had been foolish all that time. I realized I had a great oppurunity with one of the greatest persons I have ever met. I also realized that I had living a lie. I tried so hard to not make someone unhappy that I forgot how to be happy myself. Now I know I aquired the means to put that idiotic person out of my head and out of my life. Today she told me she didn't want me to write to her anymore. I am a bit sad that I lost a friend. I don't have many, so I'm a bit sad. But realizing how much freedom I gain from not communicating with her . . . I can't even describe it.
Just a few more lines.
I am truly sorry I hurt her. I am truly sorry I got that involved with her. And most of all I'm sorry for her not knowing how life is lived. When you drain the other person of everything one has to offer and offer nothing in return . . . well, in my book, that is not the way for two adults to be together. I know she doesn't read this, but I wish her all the best. I know I'm better off without her, so she is way better off without me.
Lies . . . deception . . . greed . . . self-centerdness . . . unfulfilment . . . dillusionment . . . that's all I got from her. I know that whatever happens - whether I get to be with someone I want to or not (that's up to her now), I know I'll never end up in the same position ever again.
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