Religion

Even a show called "Bullshit made a story about Christianity and faith in general. They ended that night's show with a sentence: "Keep thy religion to thyself!"

They believe, like I do, that people need to believe in some higher being, force, power - whatever that might be. I, for one, believe our lives are foretold. But not by one mythical being, no - by us... Simply. I honestly believe that everything I have done, ever, will and does impact my present life and my future. So, in my mind, we choose our own lives and destiny by living the life we live. Therefore, I am not opposed to religious people - I said, I understand that they have chosen to live like that. I'm not one of those people to wake up every morning trying to figure out how to serve Him better, how to distribute God's word, how to make others believe, I just am not.

I just try, just in case He exists, not to make Him too mad and angry at me. So I kind of keep on the safe side.

Now, why I can't be a Christian . . .
Well, for one - God (yes, God whoop-de-doo) forbid if I should turn in to one of those moronic people Robin Williams describes - "the kind of people who come knocking at your door 6:30 in the morning, asking "Have you found Jesus?" and you just want to come to the door nude and reply "No, help me look for Him, come on!"
Secondly - As prematurely dead Mr Carlin said about religion - (excerpt from a stand-up - might seem out of place here, though, out of context, perhaps) "What's the use of a divine plan, if any moron with a 2-dollar prayer-book can fuck this plan up?" In my mind this denotes promise. The promise is that if you believe, then your prayers will be "answered" (more on that later on), and the controversy begins with the divine plan - that the Apocalypse will come after Anti-Christ has been and after that will be redemption day. And then things get out of hand - some say all believers will go to heaven. Others say all true believers go to heaven. Still others claim that there is space in heaven for only a handful of people - 147 or something like that. There are more and more claims - I am not familiar with them all.
Secondly . . . or thirdly, for those keeping track (Robin) - That's what I can't accept . . . controversy . . . The Bible, all religions are full of it. I am a practical person who likes to theorize sometimes, but I can't wrap my mind around faith. There seems to be a completely different understanding of the culture and religion by all those, who are a part of that religion. And there's the opinion of other people - not religious at all, but with a logical mind and a snappy mouth. And there are also the facts - I mean here science. Oh, and while we're at it - logic - well, that is something religion is very uncomfortable with.
All in all - there's too much to debate about - I debate enough already - I do not need create more problems for myself.

The end for now - If I get feedback, I'll probably ignore it, so feedback is obviously expected.

Yay - I've got time. Finally

Well (always a good way to start a blog), as I said previously - I have really missed blogging. I like it, because it helps me relieve the pressure that accumulates during everyday life. In general - a lot has happened and nothing at all has happened. Which would you like hear first? No matter - I'm not going to dissect my personal life in front of all you people . . . 4 in total, I understand. :) Instead I'd like to share a thought - just as an introduction for the next piece of material I'm soon going to write.

"Religion is a deeply personal experience" - one of the best sentences I've ever heard. It's taken from a computer game - GTA San Andreas . . . That's spooky, right? Well, for me anyway. But religion for me denotes a much deeper experience than I've ever felt. My views on religion have changed during the years - At first I didn't give a rats ass about a "higher being", "intelligent design", "evolution", "God", "fate", "faith". . . etc. Then I found Christians - I found them for three years . . . I kept on finding them throughout these years. I found out that they are really nice people - they never hold grudges, never get angry for more than a few hours, never swear. . and so on and so forth. And I loved them - I loved their views on life - and found out that I share their opinions. The only thing I couldn't share, was their love for God - I still can't. It's just impossible for me.

Why is it not possible? What did I do among Christians? Why did I leave? All these questions shall be answered soon.

So, where was I?

Oh, yeah, racism, right.
So, as I gather, many famous people have made racism look like not such a big thing - I can relate to them . . . Racism is not that big, as everyone makes it to be. Many comedians, most of them black, make fun of racism, even though they themselves have once been "persecuted". Now, Chris Rock, one of the funniest persons I know, makes so much fun of black people, that every human with a bit darker skin should be outraged. But who is Chris's audience? Black people . . . Kind of controversial, don't you think?
Now, I really like a song by Bill Bailey, which goes like this:
"Hats off to the zebras"
The horse is a noble beast
From the mustangs of the west to the stallions of the east
But the horse has a distant cousin, it lives I do not know where
But it's message of racial harmony is a one that we all can share

Hats off to the zebras, they are black and white
They don't fight, because they're not very good at it

In a world of confusion we all need a sign
If only we could live side by side like the stripes on the zebra's spine

Hats off to the zebras . . .

The humble badger takes a sip of morning dew
But he's totally colorblind, so he can judge you
But the badger is a dreamer, the badger has a plan
He knows that his destiny is to help his fellow man

Hats off to the badger, he is black and white
He doesn't fight, except for mating rights and territory

Black man and a white man, both they need to shave
United by the badger-brush, he's helping from beyond the grave
From beyond the grave

Hats off to the badger . . .

What about the tapier - half zebra half-pig?
Imagine the stig-ma, but the tapist is proud. . .
Hats off to the tapier, badgers and zebras
Skunks, oh and ring-tailed lemurs
Living together in harmony . . .
And if the killer-whales can do it, why can't we?

Oh, and by the way - Chris Rock, black as night (Estonian proverb) claimed, through humorous prism, of course, that the most racist people are old BLACK men. So, I urge all of you to think about topics first, try and get the basics right before going out and slamming a whole country to the ground. Moreover, I'd like to see more tolerance - I generally don't like people, but I have to admit, that the more different people are from me, the more I like them. Let's try and be tolerant, now shall we?
PS! A little reminder to all of you out there reading (yes, I'm addressing a total of 4 people), please keep in mind - appearances not only can be, but in many cases are very deceiving.

Enough about my life

I just want to share with you (perhaps 3-4 readers) out there my views about racism in Estonia. I recently got awfully furious with an article in an Estonian newspaper Postimees in which a black journalist claimed Estonia is one of the most racist countries there is.
Let me just tell you my own experiences with people from other races - I hate them, literally. But you can't call me a racist, because I hate all people . . . if hate is too strong a word for you, let's say I don't like people (any people, no matter the race). Whenever I've been around people from other races, I always feel much more relaxed and intrigued by them. I don't discriminate others simply because they are a slightly different color than me. If I happen to see a person of a different race than my own, I am naturally intrigued - I don't see them everyday . . . The same applies to tribes in the middle of Africa, who have seen maybe a handful of white people in their lifetime. Of course they treat white people in another manner than their own people.
Another thing I don't understand - we call a white person "white" . . . What's wrong with calling a person, whose skin color is black "black" ??? Ok, never mind that. Let's continue.
Estonia has been under the soviet regime for 50 years and only for 17 years we have been independent . . . Obviously some of us have never even seen a dark-skinned person. And for that reason we naturally treat them with interest and curiosity . . . sometimes the curiosity turns to hatred (very few occasions), sometimes friendship (also very few occasions) and others just ignore them . . . But Estonians ignore everyone . . . And we hate everybody - Some Estonians hate Russians, some hate all foreigners, some hate people of different race and most of all Estonians hate other Estonians . . .

I'll post another later on - gotta go to class at the moment

Sadness fills my soul; My heart gets torn

I don't know no more. Human behavior is one of the most complex of structures. And apparently I have learned nothing in the past 20 years - I mean nothing. Am I just daft? Probably. Have I been living in a dream world? Obviously. Have I been imagining things? Turns out that I have. When it is said humans use less than 10% of the brain capacity/potential, I am just now starting to realize, that it is true. And because I am a man - I use probably about 2% of my brain's 10% average and that other 98% of that 10% I think with my other brain. . . We all know that men have two brains.
Still, it is not all that bad - since I now believe I understand a bit more about life, I am able to tell with 100% certainty that celibacy is my calling. It's a win-win-win-win situation: No more hurt people because of "sex" with me; no more inferiority complex; no more worrying about getting an STD (or giving it to someone); and last but not least - no more fear that I might conceive a child . . . my child . . . I finally can be sure that there will be no more mistakes by nature, like me. (I can't rely on the chance that my wife's genes are dominating . . . I could not imagine a worst thing than a "mini-me" . . now, finally, I can be certain of that)

I should feel free and light, but there's a weird, unknown pressure is haunting me somewhere deep inside me. . .

Still waiting, still watching out the window
Sitting still, lost in thoughts
The thoughts I try and disallow
Still haunt me where ever I am
Where ever I go, to get rid of them
I don't know how.

The midnight sky, lost to the world
Gives me consolation in this world
Illuminated, even in the dark, everywhere
But deep inside my soul, darkness there
Lies

Lies and deceit and greed and more lies
Have filled my world throughout the years
So I can't even hear my own distant cries
Buried deep within, covered with tears
I kept inside and to myself lied
That it's all well and emotions that need
To be expressed violently and fast, indeed
I kept to myself, blocked them out
Never letting anyone see the drought
That's overwhelming me - now I see

I hate what I've become
Don't want anyone to know
What lies inside me - no -
It's all rotten filth and numb

To end it now, would be unfair. I need to live - I will live for as long as I can. To try and right the terrible wrongs . . . Also, I need to live long enough to feel the pain I've caused to others. I couldn't live with myself if I stayed still, didn't do anything - didn't even try.

Sorry about the depressing note this post is written in. It's just that - this is the only place I can truly express myself. Let me have my fun.

It would be funny, if it weren't so goddamn sad

Let me clarify - not the situation is sad, but I am. Some say the situation is not that bad (those might refer to some of the earlier posts). It's starting to get funny now, though. It is said that it is always good if you can make a joke at your own expense. Up to this point it has been difficult even to discuss it . . . let alone joke about it. But I am working my way through - at least I am doing something to alleviate the problem. More on my problem - ask me and I most certainly will not give you an honest answer.

But now - to the subject in hand at the moment. I don't know if it's just me, or does everybody feel that there are too many stupid people in the world? I have seen more polar bears than smart people in my life time. (And never would I consider myself superior to any person, so don't think I'm thinking too much of myself). I went 2000 miles + 100 miles + 150 miles and the same amount of miles back in a single weekend. Guess what I found there? A big bunch of educated people, who were daft as daisies . . . Especially one. What's wrong with them? - I hear you asking. . . Well, here we go . . . Books don't teach you everything - that's the problem with me (I read a lot of books) but their problem I can't define . . . Observing the people from far away they seem to be fine to the bone . . . Inspecting closer, though, we see that they have the same problem everyone has - they're human . . . simply that, yes - Humans are full of mistakes . I personally believe that when humans were created, there was no electricity - so God had to mold us in candlelight . . . hence the faults. . .

Enough. Enough bitching - I'm gonna eat now - another mistake - humans are always hungry .

This is

my shortest post. (make up your own joke here)

What's wrong with the verb at the end of the sentence putting?

It's always the same thing . . . the same people on the same flood-plain, the same people . . . out there paddling around, rescuing a chicken . . .
But that's not the subject today. The subject is much more personal and inconvenient to me. I have tried to live my life so that I'd be not liked by very many. . . It has worked most of the time. Up to this point 7 people have crept up to me so close that they have discovered a bit of my true being. 5 of them have seized interacting with me - and I can't blame them. But it is still the same story with all those 7 - when they find out what I'm really like, they start to convince me that things are not so serious . . . It goes like this: What? No, don't be like that. I'm sure it's OK. No, I don't want you to prove it. . . OK, prove it . . . See - it's not that bad (all the time sneering inside). And finally - OK - that's pretty much the worst I've seen. - that's hot it goes. And it all begins by them telling me that I'm overreacting . . . And it ALWAYS ends by them telling: You'll find the perfect one . . . suitable . . . Does anyone actually believe that bull crap? No. When I plead them to be honest, all have given me the same answer - well, you'll find someone . . . Right, sure, of course I will.

I have always considered myself to be a good girlfriend to all those women. But the facts remain - the statistics are against me, my personal assessment is against me and 100% - 7 out of 7 have been forced to admit and confirm my essential and preliminary idea. They don't like to do that, some of them are very stubborn, but in the end all will see that I've been right all along. :)

I've been waiting on my own, too long
When you hold me like you do
It feels so right, oh now
Start to forget how my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feelin' like I can't go on.

The thing is . . . I knew all the facts way before any girls/women were involved . . . but I still had to get a second opinion, and then the third, fourth, fifth . . . I'm pushing for 10 out of 10. I will achieve it, I'm sure.

whose to worry if our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you notice life goes on

So, anyways - this post has been nothing but a description of my personal life. Now I do believe that celibacy is still the best idea. . . Even more so now that every girl likes to pity me . . . and offer me to meet a fictive person - because they always say something about me finding a certain somebody (who wouldn't mind) . . . But now I'm just waiting to see when the last two collapse . . .

I may like women, unfortunately I'm not their favorite . . . I'm sick and tired of pity-sex . . . Soon the last remaining 2 will fall away and make sure I'm left wondering what could've been . . .

But still . . . Tired of being WELL below the average . . . everywhere . . . doing whatever . . .
I gotta hand it to the last people remaining . . . They have stuck by me since the start of my "life"

PS! I don't understand what the hell people want from me. . .

In conclusion . . . Why not. . . always be ready. Whatever - OK - And FINE . . .Everybody will be in bliss . . .

Nevermore

Unlike the raven in a poem by Poe
I know
That there's more to life than just
A bust
On a chamber door of the man in
A poem by Poe

We live only once and "the race is long"
(From a song)
And in the end it's only with yourself
(Myself)
Please, value every second you've got
Use them on the spot

Give me strength I need to proceed . . .

Päev pole, öö ei ole . . .

Neither day, nor night I seem to forget
What burns in me, this fire like a jet
Bursting through lonely star-filled sky
And I find myself asking "why"

Why am I even trying to succeed?
I'm destined to fail, I presume.
All this life I somehow mislead
The people I love . . . Only doom . . .

Only doom, destruction and hatred
Send me on my way. . . . Hey,
but it's all good fun, isn't it? Dread -
Always a great source of fun and pun.

See - I can be positive, if only I try
Still my happier side I try and defy
Back at the opening question "why"
Still the answer out of reach, it just
Made me write this fricking poem - wry,
Dull, boring, bitter and full of rust.

The end - maybe still the beginning? I don't know no more. Am I the only fucking one, who's normal anymore? (M in M)

No, I'm not normal, neither of us is. Let's never forget it.

Well, I'd never.

I try and try again and try once more. Somehow I keep failing every single time. After the 10th of November I really do believe I'll never talk to women again in the same sense I'm used to at the moment.
I never really know what am I supposed to do. I see what everyone else is doing, but am I really built so differently that other people's methods don't apply to my life? How can I not incorporate known theories in my own life - somehow they always mis- or backfire?
I've managed to depress and reduce to tears too many people this year. I need to stop. I will . . . eventually. It's already obvious that I despise myself. I hate people who hurt others for apparently no reason at all. Therefore . . .
On a lighter note - It's all going terribly wrong (excerpt from the bloopers of Whose Line Is It Anyway?). I try to think of myself as not a very depressing person, but I still get the feeling that many people see me like that. And now for something completely different - I agree with Chris Rock, who said that it is not possible to love more than one woman at a time. I'd push it further - I can't even like more than one woman at a time. Once again - I've tried and obviously failed.

Oh, shit - this post turned out to be a really depressing one. I promise the next one will contain at least a few jokes. . . Well - in my mind they're still just truthful sentences, but to others they might seem like funny phrases. We'll see.

For now - Flay Otters.

Right track

I know Orkut's fortunes usually never mean anything, but right after I had just published my last post when I noticed my "Today's fortune", which read as follows: Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals." I know that everyone has had the same text on their Orkut home page, but today it has a special meaning to me.

Am I really finally on the right track?

The title

I see now what I've been like and I don't like it. I've hurt too many people by doing all sorts of things. I would like to change but how can I? I've gone too far. I don't see a way out. I'm trying, but my actions seem to backfire every single time.

It doesn't make any sense. When I try and be nice, I am crucified by the same people who I was nice to. A simple "don't act like that" would've been nice. I'd appreciate it if people told me what they thought of me right away. I'd really like to know. I found out a couple of days ago that I was completely misunderstood by a person of the opposite sex and she kept it in her for about a year. Of course there is no excuse for my actions. It appears that I acted really badly around her. For this I'm sorry, cause I did not even notice it myself. I am grateful that she finally had the nerve to tell me, otherwise I would've never known.

I would just like to take this opportunity to apologize to all the people I've hurt. (The list is long and I don't expect all of them to forgive me. But I'm working on it - I'm sorting out all the people I've hurt one way or another and begging for their forgiveness. I just hope it works. I do realize that a bigger portion of the people never will forgive me, but at least I'm doing something to recuperate for the damage I've made.)

On another note - I just found out that people are awfully mean, devious and mischievous. I try and live my life without interrupting too many people. But I do manage to get in the way of a few. I don't know what I've done wrong but I get punished for everything I do. I hate someone and his/her acquaintances make my life tough; I love someone and the same happens; I try and be out of someone's way - still the same thing happens. How? Why? Why has no one the courage to tell ME what they think? Why am I the last to know? Too many questions. I know.

Now, I've decided I will find all the answers I can. I want to know all (opposite to a certain Manuel, who apparently knows nooooothing about Witnit). And I will devote my life to finding out certain truths, so I could live with myself and with others. I'm sick of others (both male and female) and myself. I have to think very hard now, when I want to say something, because it might hurt someone. That has made me very careful with words. I don't believe I'll turn back to talking to people like I used to . . . not until I am certain of myself.

Sorry, it seems I have lost myself somewhere in the simplicity of life. I gotta find myself, excuse me.

People

I do not understand people. Especially the live ones. They seem to be daft beyond measurement (inc. myself).

How come I can't even make a simple harmless joke without people braking up, braking down or just simply braking themselves over the idea of my joke? I am a pervert, no doubt about it. But I can't say that to anyone - all of them start to disagree with me - even people I have known for merely minutes. I reduced a girl to tears with a joke, I made several people angry and I disappointed a few also . . . The only thing I'm yet to grasp is how to make people laugh with my jokes.

I'll go and practice a bit then.

I've been gone for some time now

The reason why I haven't written anything recently, is that I went back to school and I started to search within me the person I am. And I found it. The next is borrowed from George Carlin - the man I honor most - and hopefully describes me as well as it did him. So. . . and I quote:

"I'm a modern man, a man for the millennium, digital and smoke-free, a diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist, politically, anatomically and ecologically incorrect. I've been up linked and downloaded, I've been inputted and outsourced, I know the upside of downsizing, I know the downside of upgrading. I'm a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state of the art, bi coastal multitasker and I can give you a Gigabyte in a Nano-second.
I'm new wave, but I'm old school and my inner child is outward bound. I'm a hot-wired heat seeking warmhearted cool customer - voice - activated and biodegradable. I interface in my database and my database is in cyberspace, so I'm interactive, I'm hyperactive and from time to time I'm radioactive.
Behind the eight-ball, ahead of the curb, riding the wave, dodging the bullet, pushing the envelope. I'm on point, on task, on message and off drugs. I've got no need for coke and speed, no urge to binge and purge. I'm in the moment, on the edge, over the top, but under the radar. A high-concept, low-profile, medium-range ballistic missionary. A street-wise smart-bomb, a top-gun bottom feeder. I get power-ties, I tell power-lies, I take power-naps, I run victory-laps. I'm a totally ungoing big-foot slam dunk rainmaker with a pro-active outreach. A raging work-a-holic, a working rage-a-holic, out of rehab and in denial.
I've got a personal trainer, a personal shopper, a personal assistant and a personal agenda. You can't shut me up, you can't dumb me down, cause I'm tireless and I'm wireless - I'm an alpha-male on beta blockers. I'm a non-believer and an over-achiever, laid back, but feshing forward. Up front, down home, low rent, high maintenance. Super-sized, long-lasting, high definition, fast-acting, oven ready and built to last.
I'm a hands-on foot-loose knee-jerk head-case, prematurely post-traumatic and I have a love-child who sends me hate-mail.
But I'm feeling, I'm caring, I'm healing, I'm sharing, a supportive bonding nurturing primary caregiver. My output is down, but my income is up. I take a short position on the long bond and my revenue stream has its own cash-flow. I read junk-mail, I eat junk food, I buy junk bonds, I watch trash sports. I'm gender specific, capital intensive, user friendly and lactose intolerant.
I like rough sex, I like tough love. I use the f-word in my e-mail and the software on my hard drive is hardcore, no soft porn. I bought a micro-wave at a mini-mall, I bought a minivan at a mega-store. I eat fast food in the slow lane. I'm toll-free, bite size, ready to wear and I come in all sizes. A fully equipped, factory authorized, hospital tested, clinically proven, scientifically formulated medical miracle. I've been prewashed, precooked, preheated, prescreened, preapproved, prepackaged, post-dated, freeze-dried, double-wrapped, vaccuum packed and I have an unlimited broadband capacity.
I'm a rude dude, but I'm the real deal, lean and mean, cocked, locked and ready to rock, rough, tough and hard to bluff. I take it slow, I go with the flow, I ride with the tide, I've got glide in my stride. Driving and moving, sailing and spinning, jiving and grooving, whaling and winning. I don't snooze, so I don't lose. I keep the metal to the petal and the rubber on the road. I party hardy and lunch time is crunch time. I'm hanging in - there ain't no doubt - and I'm hanging tough. Over and out. "

Thank you very much George. You have been the greatest of inspirations. Hope you don't mind.

how can I go on? (freddy mercury)

To be around this many people a day is too much for me. 4 people per day - far too much.
"How can I go on? From day to day! How can I be strong in every way?" (Freddy and Montserrat Caballet).
Can it be any easier? Just do what I do - try and never talk to anyone (talking to others always creates problems), be as self-centered as you like (if you don't take care of yourself, no one will) and think (about anything . . . and everything and daydream as much as you want - some of your best moments come from them).

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange and pretend you're laughing at it" Manny, from Black Books.
Just think about it - do all those things and it would brighten up everybody's day. Everybody should listen to Baz Luhrmann's Graduation Speech. If everyone followed those guidelines, the world would be a better place. No, I do not possess a miracle cure for the world, but I do have a cure for myself - I should listen to my own advice (things would be better for me if I did that). Unfortunately, I am not able to follow any of my own rules. I try and I fail. I am very skilled at giving bad advice to others and I should be content with that. But no - when I have just ruined someone's ... whatever . . I always have great ideas how to get out of the mess I told them to get in. (for some reason, I have lost many friends doing that) interesting.

But now I shall take my own advice and go to bed.

did

your non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year exceed your deductions for quarterly VAT returns?

I certainly hope not.

now, really

And now for something completely different.

I started this blog to complain about the . . . well everything basically. I tried to complain to others, but my complaints were'nt important enough for them . . . the same with local newspapers - I tried to get my grievances published. but maybe fortunately none of them made it to the papers. So I turned to The Internet. As long as I don't have to pay for speaking my mind, all is well.

I must confess - I have never been very fluent in any language, so as my posts are full of errors, never mind them. I'm sure you'll get my meaning. That's more than I can say about some people living in Estonia - you know the one's - Russians and other nice people. Now I'm not talking about all the Russians, just the ones, who still think Estonia is a Russian province run by local men just to show people in Moscow that they are able to do so. No, I'm referring actually to those, who somehow can't seem to grasp the idea that living in a country which has only one native/national language and it's not Russian, does not mean you can expect everyone to understand you. Even some tribes in Africa, living a few hundred miles apart, don't understand each other. So why is it that foreigners LIVING here expect to be treated like they lived in the Russian Federation? Hasn't anyone found the time to send them an SMS, reading "hey, Union collapsed, time to move back or learn the local language? Oh, right, the larger portion of those people have never heard of the telephone, let alone a portable one. I swear there was this 70+ Russian lady, who looked out of the window and seeing a mobile phone, she almost collapsed. (see, what science does to people).

These people still have their radios tuned in to some top secret frequency, where they can hear all about the world dominance led by the working class of the Soviet Union. And since the broadcasters just read what they are told to read, the listeners at home never got the message that the wall came down, countries got independent and the U.S got bored and decided to partake in 5 major wars inside 20 years just to keep doing something. (I've always wondered, what would the states be like when they were not involved in any wars - history presumably has never seen peace in the states - when they got bored of fighting elsewhere, they saw they had people to pick on right under their noses. And when they finally got bored of them, they decided to trace down the roots of all those brown people that they persecuted for centuries and take deadly aim at those countries from which the brown people spawned from. Sadly, they said the only way to make peace and teach democracy, was by firing countless bullets into countless bodies - just sad.)

Oh, where was I?? Quickly now, I can't remember everything.
Oh well, I'll be back when somebody remembers, what I tried to say. Till then - keep far away from this blog - It can cause cancer, pneumonia and an incredibly intense need to kick me in the groin. So keep away, I beg of you.

what?

I know - it's been a long time since I wrote anything. I don't really care, but I can offer an explanation - I was preoccupied with sleeping and drinking. I don't drink much and when I do, I also sleep much. At least I try. The more I drink, the more I sleep. I took my exams, passed them and now I'm starting another really tedious task - school . . . lots of laws, boring classes and the gym and of course celibacy with an occasional wank.
So much has happened recently - don't know where to start. . . As I believe, these events are never worth mentioning, so I won't.
Just that how come I never realize anything before others? Everyone else seem far better informed than me. I always hear the news last. As in - Hey, did you hear about . . . . and I'm going - yeah, something, but not all the information . . . and then I realize that I'm the last one in my circle of friends to receive any kinds of news.

So, I'm gonna read the news now, Bye.

Life is worth losing

I tried to make the most of my day - never do that . . . things are bound to go wrong. Things get in your way and there are sharp edges everywhere just waiting for you to find them and bang your foot against them and hop around yelling naughty words.

Still, it wasn't all bad. I did what needed to be done - i don't know if I did it right, but I did it anyway. Right now I really don't care anymore. For me, attempting to do something that seems correct in other's minds, is a failed cause to begin with. I tried to succeed, but life (as Carlin put it) hit me in the stomach and kicked me in the balls and I say - enjoy it, take a fucking chance once in a while - what are you going to do? - play with your prick another 30 years? Fuck that. There's more to life than just pleasing others. It's about you trying to make it through another day. Again, we are born, we slave, we wither. I realise now, that life really is like George Carlin says it is - life is not that complicated - you wake up, go to work, eat three meals, take one good shit and go back to bed. Where's the fucking mystery?

I say that to myself every day. And you know what - it helps, it really helps. I urge all of you to look at your life and see how very absurdly easy it is. The only ones making it hard to handle, are us.

My sister just claimed that I'm the sickest person ever - did it really take her that long to figure it out? I mean I'm 20, for crying out loud. I realised that when I first saw my prick and thought "hey, that might be fun!". Well, she is slow sometimes - what can we do, huh?

Right, I'm going to drink and dance now 'till I'm 80 and am on a dialysis machine, doing liverdance with michael flatline . . . regards to mr Robin Williams

PS! Just remember that you're standing on a planet that evolving and revolving at 900 miles an hour . . .

life

How should I describe the situation?

I'm not depressed, not happy, just f*****g ignorant. I just don't care anymore. Don't care about anything. Not myself, not others. I'd like to, but I just can't - don't have the energy. Every day I get about ten times the amount of information I can process and I can't handle that. As I involuntarily try and be helpful to everybody I meet and listen to all their concerns, problems, success-stories etc I drain myself of all the energy I have left. It doesn't help that I eat once a day and that meal is mediocre at best. And I try and work out every day. And I smoke. And I don't care about my health (done that for at least ten years now). I did try caring about something recently, but that led to a dead end. As Dylan Moran would put it - genetically speaking I am an evolutionary cul-de-sac. And for reasons known only to some weird inner-me, I am happy with that. (not happy in general, just happy about that particular fact).

It all just seems so very depressing, but it isn't.

The weird part is, I am not tired - I sleep almost 10 hours each day - about 2 or 3 times more than usual. I was planning on making this a funny post, but as usual when I try to be funny, I fail miserably. I'm funny only when I tell the truth, when I state a widely-known fact - then everybody for some reason find me hilarious. I can't even make statements about my own life - people would die of laughter. But the truth is, that we wither and wine and we fade away.

I'll fade away today with that last statement - life is not that complicated - you wake up, go to work, eat three meals, take one good shit and go back to bed.

My blog. . . my heavens, what on earth am I supposed to write here? Up to now I have been just writing down incoherent ramblings that just pop into my mind. Now I'd like to contribute to the sacred art of Internet blogging but all I can come up with is complete waste of everyone's time.

Let me just keep it simple then - I had a great time today, I hope the other person I was with enjoyed a bit of my company also. However, I still find that living a life of lie is wrong - I am not going into this again . . . don't worry.

Isn't it just wonderful how I'm just kind of having a conversation with someone, although no one reads my blog? It might seem to an innocent bystander that I'm talking to myself - it would seem like it to me. No, actually, this blog is just for me to write down all my thoughts I feel like expressing the time I'm writing it. So, you'll find some obscure hints about myself, others, my intimate life and the politics here. On some occasions I might write something completely out of character.

So, that's cleared up, now. How hard is it to go to bed. For something's sake - I am very tired right now - I want to sleep and rest (Some Supreme Being knows I need some) but my hands just keep on typing away. I should have gone to bed hours ago, but I'm still here? Am I fucking stupid?
No, I'm just human - apparently my brain doesn't seem to find a reason for me to go and sleep. How ridiculous - I'm gonna explain to my idiot of a brain that I need to sleep.

Cheerio.

from heaven to hell and back to earth

Well . . . again with the word well . . . I kind of thought, I'd change the word for Wow... (not final yet, still working on it)

Whenever life seems too good, it usually is. Keep that in mind that the next time you discover a big wad of cash in your pocket :) No, seriously though, I'm having trouble understanding why world works as it does. I mean - we are all floating merrily along the path of life, humming to ourselves, not looking in front of us. We don't look, cause we are afraid. We are afraid cause we know happiness never lasts - therefore we pretend (whistling merrily, observing clouds shaped like ducks with knives in their backs and that sort of things - you know - merry in general) If we did look down we'd see that we're standing on a neat trim of daisies in a complete wasteland. A step left or right or even back would take us back to our lives' stone age. Nobody wants to admit that all luck is fading - we try and prolong it till it wears out completely and leave ourselves back at the beginning . . . back in the complete wasteland with a bright spot appearing every few miles but when we try to step on that little bit of happiness, it fades under a pile of rubbish.
Now, I'm not saying there's no way to achieve happiness. . . There certainly is, but it definitely is not in pretending all is well, while we all know it isn't or it soon won't.

I am not here just to cast a dark gloom all over us, but I'm just fed up. (I feel like saying "Come on, get on with it" to myself)

Why not? I shall try and get on with it. Now all I need to know is, what this IT is I need to get on with. . . and how do I get on with it, when I finally do realize what IT is. Too complicated to me :S Let me go back to just existing, OK?

Can I just be a vessel, a mere vessel floating across the seven seas? and some lakes and rivers perhaps (cause I wouldn't fit in a stream, now, would I)? NO . . . lucky for me I'm still a government official - and our government has just recently f****d me up the behind so I can't even sit down, but that's OK - the government has yet to ask me to sit down, so I'll stand until then. When I finally am showered with the golden kindness of the government and they ask me to sit, they'll take two monster c***s and shove them in my mouth and sore ass. Actually I'm looking forward to that meeting with the Grand One's so I could just say all I ever wanted to say about the system. I just hope they give me enough time to prepare myself for this mental masturbation that is going to take place in May 2009.

Enough. Not to touch that topic again till May 2009. I'm having a writers cramp, so I'll quit while I'm ahead, but that would mean I'd have to erase most of I've written today. Dilemma
Since no one actually reads this crap, I'll leave it as it is and go think what to say when Higher Officials attack me with pitchforks and torches.

weird ass s**t people doing now

Well . . . well, that has been a word used awfully lot recently.
Don't know why is it that people I meet never quite seem to get what they want . . . (and besides, who says I've got a label stuck to my forehead reading: "hey, talk to me - i know i met you only 5 minutes ago, but please do reveal all your deepest secrets to me" - i have not noticed that particular label ever being there)
People should try and keep their inmost thought to themselves, otherwise they'll always wonder why people use their words against themselves. There's no reason, no matter how much you like the other person, to start unravelling ALL your views and ideas the first time you see the person.
Another thing - why can't people be honest? To themselves and to others. . . Frankly, I'm sick and tired of it - people lying to themselves . . . why ??? Please stop saying - I'm fat, ugly, stupid or just not good enough. It's bad if it's done for some other person (not good enough for him/her), but it's even worse if you lie to yourself - you can't imagine how much others hate that . . . And there are two ways on doing this - you either berate yourself or think too much of yourself - either: "there's so much wrong me, I'm no good" or "I'm the best there ever was" - none of those work.

Finally . . . what I meant to say - we're all different, we ALL have faults and problems. It's not about how we can hide them or disguise them - it's about how we manage WITH them. I'm not saying people shouldn't try and improve themselves, no - it's OK to improve. But it is not OK to complain or boast too much.