It's been a while

I do understand that it's been three months or a quarter of a year since I posted anything.

Though, realizing it won't get me any closer to writing anything new. So, here I go...

It never occurred to me that I would actually be sitting in a classroom and studying for another 5 years before I even had a possibility to get a job. But, guess what - here I am! Police career going downhill fast, so is the comedy career . . . We'll see, though.

It's getting late now but rest assured, I'll be back with some more dry and unfunny material...

A realization

I came to the conclusion. Actually a few conclusions. I now know with more certainty than ever that I know nothing about talking to people - no sense of tact what-so-ever. I can be given little hints and even great big hints that any moron should understand but I still manage to pursue a subject that makes a person uncomfortable. Or even insults them. Or worse - makes people sad. I did that recently and I felt terrible. I really need to make sure that in the future my remarks and questions are better formulated and understood equally . . .

The second and by a degree more important realization was that I never again want to discuss morality of a religion with a person that is a part of that religion. Poor misguided sheep. I really feel sad for all these people. Most religious people I know are very good people, but they never realise they're living a lie. They follow a book that's rubbish - describing a fairytale. . . And they take that fairytale as pure gold. Let me give you an example - using Christianity, as I know more about that religion than the others. In Genesis - the first book of The Old Testament - (remember - it's supposed to be taken literally because it's their sacred book) it is said as a remark, that "that time giants still roamed the Earth". Ok, really now... Giants? Be serious for a second. The second example - Adam and Eve - right? They were given the task to "be plentiful and fulfil the Earth and multiply"... OK, so far, so good. The problem arrives quickly enough - Their first children were boys. "And they married and multiplied and populated the Earth." Am I the only one to realise the obvious mistake in that story? So, ok, let's say all the children were either having sex with their parents or brothers and sisters . . . So, that's your great teaching, Christians? That we are all the descendants of a bunch of incestuous motherfuckers? Not really like the best beginning to "The Holy Book" . . . Then again - The Bible can't be taken literally, because people lived to be 800+ years old. There were giants roaming the globe. There were boats that were big enough to carry two of all the animals of the Earth . . . except that there was only one window to that boat . . . it's says so in the Bible - "Noah opened THE window that God had asked him to build" Right.

Let's have no more about it. Never again will I debate with religious people about their faith. I can't talk to them about it - it makes me so sad. Especially sad is the case of my sister, but that's another, private, story.

A few guidelines to me, myself and I

I don't need to be told all the things people want to tell me. It's just that I sometimes need to be reminded of them. As some of you (50%, I believe, since there are only two people reading this idiotic piece of writing) may know, a big part of my life is inspired by comedians, songs, poems and books and tv-shows. There are small fragments of wisdom lingering about in almost all of them.

Let's get started with a few from songs. (I'd like to say that I'm using all of the lyrics without permission and I'm expecting a huge law-suit any time now)
First in my list: Eminem.

(Hailie's Song)

Some days I sit, starin' out the window
Watchin' this world pass me by
Sometimes I think theres nothin' to live for
I almost break down and cry

Somtimes I think I'm crazy
I'm crazy, oh so crazy
Why am I here, am I just wasting my time?

But then I see my baby
Suddenly I'm not crazy
It all makes sense when I look into her eyes

[Chorus]
Somtimes it feels like the world's on my shoulders
Everyone's leanin' on me
Cuz sometimes it feels like the world's almost over
But then she comes back to me
/.../
Now you probably get this picture from my public persona
That I'm a pistol-packing drug-addict who bags on his momma,
But I wanna just take this time out to be perfectly honest
Cuz there's a lot of shit I keep bottled that hurts deep inside o' my soul, And just know that I grow colder the older I grow This boulder on my shoulder gets heavy and harder to hold
And this load is like the weight of the world
And I think my neck is breaking should I just give up,
Or try to live up to these expectations?

(Say Goodbye Hollywood)
/.../
Bury my face in comic books, cause I don't want to look
At nothin', this world's too much
I've swallowed all I could
If I could swallow a bottle of tylenol I would, and end it for good
Just say goodbye to Hollywood
I probably should, these problems are piling all at once
Cause everything that bothers me, I got it bottled up
I think i'm bottomin' out
But i'm not about to give up, I gotta get up
/.../
I don't wanna quit, but shit, I feel like this is it
/.../
It's like the boy in the bubble, who never could adapt, i'm trapped
/.../

Till I Collapse

'Cause sometimes you feel tired,
feel weak, and when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up.
But you gotta search within you, you gotta find that inner strength
and just pull that shit out of you and get that motivation to not give up
and not be a quitter, no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.
/.../
And its absurd how people hang on every word.
I’ll probably never get the props I feel I ever deserve
But I’ll never be served my spot is forever reserved
If I ever leave earth that would be the death of me first.
Cause in my heart of hearts I know nothing could ever be worse.

When the Music Stops

Music, reality, sometimes it's hard to tell the difference
/.../
If I were to die murdered in cold blood tomorrow
Would you feel sorrow or show love
Or would it matter
Can never be the lead-off batter of things
Shit for me to feed off
I'm see-saw battling
But theres way too much at stake for me to be fake
There's too much on my plate
And I came way too far in this game to turn and walk away
And not say what I got to say
What the fuck you take me for? a joke? you smoking crack?
Before I do that, I beg Mariah to take me back
I get up 'for I get down, run myself in the ground, 'for I put some wack shit out
I'm trying-a smack this one out the park, five-thousand mark
You all steady trying to drown the shark
Ain't gonna do nothing but piss me off
Lid to the can of whoop ass, just twist me off
See me leap out, pull the piece out, fuck shooting I'm just trying to knock his teeth out
Fuck with me now, bitch, let's see you freestyle
Talk is cheap, motherfucker if you're really feeling froggish, leap
You're slim, you're gonna let him get away with that?
He tried to play you, you can't let him 'scape with that
Man I hate this crap, this ain't rap,
This is crazy the way we act
When we confuse hip-hop with real life when the music stops
/.../
Music's changed my life in so many ways
Brains confused and fucked since the 5th grade

Rock Bottom

This song is dedicated to all the happy people
All the happy people who have real nice lives
And who have no idea whats it like to be broke as fuck

[Verse One:]
I feel like I'm walking a tight rope, without a circus net
I'm popping percocets, I'm a nervous wreck
/.../
That's Rock Bottom
When this life makes you mad enough to kill
That's Rock Bottom
When you want something bad enough to steal
That's Rock Bottom
When you feel you have had it up to here
Cause you mad enough to scream but you sad enough to tear

[Verse Two:]
My life is full of empty promises
And broken dreams
I'm hoping things will look up
But there ain't no job openings
I feel discouraged hungry and malnourished
Living in this house with no furnace, unfurnished
And I'm sick of working dead end jobs with lame pay
And I'm tired of being hired and fired the same day
But fuck it, if you know the rules to the game play
Cause when we die we know were all going the same way
It's cool to be player, but it sucks to be the fan
When all you need is bucks to be the man
Plus a luxury sedan
Too comfortable and roomy in a six
They threw me in the mix
With all these gloomy lunatics
Walk around depressed
And smoke a pound of ses a day
And yesterday went by so quick it seems like it was just today
My daughter wants to throw the ball but I'm too stressed to play
Live half my life and throw the rest away

[Chorus]

There's people that love me and people that hate me
But it's the evil that made me this backstabbing, deceitful, and shady
I want the money, the women, the fortune, and the fame
That Means I'll end up burning in hell scorching in flames
That means I'm stealing your checkbook and forging your name
Lifetime bliss for eternal torture and pain
Right now I feel like just hit the rock bottom
I got problems now everybody on my blocks got 'em

My Dad's Gone Crazy

There's no mountain i can't climb
There's no tower too high,
No plane that i can't learn how to fly
What do i gotta do to get through to you, to show you
There ain't nothing i can't take this chainsaw to
/.../
My songs can make you cry, take you by surprise
And at the same time, make you dry your eyes with the same rhyme
See what you're seeing is a genius at work
Which to me isn't work, so it's easy to misinterpret it at first,
Cuz when i speak, it's tongue in cheek
I'd yank my fuckin teeth before id ever bite my tongue
I'd slice my gums, get struck by fuckin' lightning twice at once
And die and come back as vanilla ice's son
And walk around the rest of my life spit on
And kicked and hit with shit, every time i sung
Like R Kelly as soon as "bump n' grind" comes on
More pain inside of my brain, than the eyes of a little girl inside of a
plane
Aimed at the World Trade, standin' on Ronnie's grave,
Screaming at the sky, till clouds gather as Clyde Mathers and Bonnie Jade
And thats pretty much the gist of it,Parents are pissed, but the kids love
it
Nine millimeter, heater stashed, in two-seaters with meat cleavers
I don't blame you, i wouldn't let hailie listen to me neither

Sing For The Moment


[Verse 1]
These ideas are nightmares to white parents
Whose worst fear is a child with dyed hair and who likes earrings
Like whatever they say has no bearing, it's so scary in a house that allows
no swearing
To see him walking around with his headphones blaring
Alone in his own zone, cold and he don't care
He's a problem child
And what bothers him all comes out, when he talks about
His fuckin' dad walkin' out
Cause he just hates him so bad that he blocks him out
If he ever saw him again he'd probably knock him out
His thoughts are whacked, he's mad so he's talkin' back
Talkin' black, brainwashed from rock and rap
He sags his pants, do-rags and a stocking cap
His step-father hit him, so he socked him back, and broke his nose
His house is a broken home, there's no control, he just let's his emotions
go...

[Chorus]
{C'mon}, sing with me, {sing}, sing for the years
{Sing it}, sing for the laughter, sing for the tears, {c'mon)
Sing it with me, just for today, maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you
away...
/.../
They say music can alter moods and talk to you
Well can it load a gun up for you , and cock it too
Well if it can, then the next time you assault a dude
Just tell the judge it was my fault and i'll get sued
See what these kids do is hear about us totin' pistols
And they want to get one cause they think the shit's cool
Not knowin' we really just protectin' ourselves, we entertainers
Of course the shit's affectin' our sales, you ignoramus
But music is reflection of self, we just explain it, and then we get our
checks in the mail
It's fucked up ain't it
How we can come from practically nothing to being able to have any fuckin'
thing that we wanted
That's why we sing for these kids, who don't have a thing
Except for a dream, and a fuckin' rap magazine
Who post pin-up pictures on their walls all day long
Idolize they favorite rappers and know all they songs
Or for anyone who's ever been through shit in their lives
Till they sit and they cry at night wishin' they'd die
Till they throw on a rap record and they sit, and they vibe
We're nothin' to you but we're the fuckin' shit in they eyes
That's why we seize the moment try to freeze it and own it, squeeze it and
hold it
Cause we consider these minutes golden
And maybe they'll admit it when we're gone
Just let our spirits live on, through our lyrics that you hear in our
songs and we can...

Say What You Say

Cause what you say is what you say
Say what you say how you say it whenever you saying it
Just remember how you said it when you was spraying it
So who you playing with huh huh huh huh?
/.../
[Eminem]
If I could only use this power for good
I wouldn't, not even if I could

[Dr. Dre]
From the hood and I'm a hornet
And I'ma only sting when I'm cornered

[Eminem]
And I'ma only sucker punch or swing without warning
And swing to knock somebody's fucking head off
Cause I know, when they get up, I won't get a chance to let off
Another punch, I'm punk-rock, no one's punk
Don't give a fuck, white Pac, so much spunk
When I was little I knew I would blow up
And sell a mil or grow up to be a tiller
Go nuts and be a killer
/.../
But I handle my business cause it's work before play
Don't look for trouble but I serve you gourmet
However you want it, you could have it your way
You fuck my night up, I'ma fuck up your day
Bullet with your name, sending it your way
That goes for anyone who walks through that doorway
Cause this is my space, you invade it
Live to regret it and you die trying to violate it
Fuck around and you'll get annihilated
Eyes diliated

[Eminem]
Ha, like my old lady
Cause what you say is what you say Sometimes what you mean is 2 different things
Depending on your mood, if it swings, think too many things

And last, but not least (at least for this time):

Drips

Now I don't wanna hit no woman, but this chick's got it comin', someone better get this bitch,
before she get's kicked in the stomach, and she's pregnant, but she's eggin' me on, beggin' me
to throw her off the steps of this porch, my only weapon is force and I don't wanna resort to
any violence of any sort, but what's she shovin' me for, doesn't she love me no more, wasn't she
huggin' me four minutes ago at the door, man, i'm this close to goin' toe-to-toe with this
whore, what would you do if she was tellin' you she wants a divorce, she's havin' another baby
in a month, and it's yours, and you find out it isn't cause this bitch has been visitin' someone
else, and suckin' his dick and kissin' you on the lips when you get back, to Michigan, now the
plot is thickenin' worse, cause you feel like you've been stickin' your fuckin' dick in a
hearse, so you paranoid at every little cold that you get, ever since they told you this shit,
you've been holdin' your dick, so you go to the clinic, sweatin' every minute you in it, then
the doctor comes out lookin' like Dennis the Menace, and it's obvious to everyone in the lobby
it's AIDS, he ain't even gotta call you in his office to say it, so you jet back home, cause you
gon' get that hoe, when you see her, you gon' bend her fuckin' neck back, yo', cause you love her, you never would expect that blow, Obie told you the scoop, how could she stoop that low,
Jesus, I don't believe this, bitch works at the cleaners, bringin' me home diseases, swingin'
from Obie's penis, she's so deceivin', shit this hoe's a genius, she g'd us...

Now, all these songs and many more have influenced me greatly during my life. . . some more than others, some definitely saying more about myself than I could ever say about myself, some just good to listen to . . . and all of them with a special meaning known only to me.

PS! All lyrics I copied from www.azlyrics.com and I thank azlyrics for providing them and also I'd like to hope that no-one of any influence or importance happens to read this blog, otherwise I'd be in a little bit of a mess. But I'll continue to infringe copyright laws next time with a few more songs and some comedians...

Logic

"From a drop of water, a logician could infer the possibility of an Atlantic or a Niagara without having seen or heard of one or the other. So all life is a great chain, the nature of which is known wherever we are shown a single link of it. Like all other arts, the Science of Deduction and Analysis is one which can only be aquired by long and patient study, nor is life long enough to allow any mortal to attain the highest possible perfection in it. Before turning to those moral and mental aspects of the matter which present the greatest difficulties, let the enquirer begin by mastering more elementary problems. Let him, on meetng a fellow-mortal, learn at a glance to distinguish the history of the man and the trade or profession to which he belongs. Puerile as such an exercise may seem, it sharpens the faculties of observation, and teaches one where to look and what to look for. By a man's fingernails, by his coat-sleeve, by his boot, by his trouser-knees, by the callosities of his forefinger and thumb, by his expression, by his shirt-cuffs - by each of these things a man's calling is plainly revealed. That all united should fail to enlighten the competent enquirer in any case is almost invonceivable."

Something a little bit different

Inverted psychopath and it's psychological problems and ideas . . . a very interesting theme.

(just for the record - I don't use the mentioned rules myself - I just describe how I see other using them)

It's all bullshit (some of my previous reports) but here - some rules stand. The examples are many - whenever we want the other person to say something, do something, act in a certain manner, we use psychology, not to say we exploit it, really. In order to get someone to say something positive about you, all you have to do is degrade yourself in the eyes of a person who cares about you. Not excessively, though - do it too much and you'll piss off a lot of people. What does it gain? A bit of self-assurance, that's all. I know I may sound a little bitter and truth be told, I am a bit. How to believe people anymore - there are a few people I trust . . . (they have yet to give me a reason to doubt their sincerity). I hope I don't have to be disappointed in them - I truly do. I still have reason to hope all is not lost.

Let's take another example - using your appearance to make people pity you ... or give money - whatever it is. You never see a well-dressed homeless guy, do you? And you know that with what they make, they could go to any second-hand clothes-shop and buy themselves a lot warmer clothes instead of trying to keep warm by drinking vodka. Just my way of looking at it, I suppose.

Using your behavior to draw sympathy from peers - act in a "broken way" and, yes, people feel sorry for you. The sort of thing, where you sulk in the corner at a party hoping a caring person walks up to you and asks: "What's wrong?", so you could with all your heart say that it's nothing . . . and then hope that the next question will be - "No, really, is something wrong? Maybe I can help?" - "No, there is no one that can help me now - I've got a serious case of "Damn, I'm a retard"-syndrome." It so reminds me of "Boy Who Cried Wolf" . . . you know - when are you going to realize when someone is really in trouble if most people fake all the time? How?

Now, for something alarming - I recently found out people are weird...No, bear with me - I really did. I've lived a lie for almost a year . . . I found out that I'm mostly only talked to or about when there really is nothing left to talk about or to. That's so cool - and to think that my mom told me that I was selective about the company I chose to keep around me :) What a load of bull. Favors (excluding a selected few - see, my mom wasn't lying) are what most people keep me around for. Not that I mind, of course - I like to see happy people. Oh, just one thing - you have to make sure I realize you're just toying with me - that way everyone can be happy, ok? Right, that's settled - moving on to the next item on the list - death threats - now there's a cool subject. I recently got a ban on a town in Wester-Estonia. Now come on - a freaking 23-year-old acting like a 10-year-old. . . Can't wrap my mind about that one . . . I know there are retards in the world - I've met some, but no - he seemed like a normal human being, except his text was really like something I'd expect from my brother's peers . . . Come on!!! "Don't ever show your face here or you'll be sorry!" - any kid the age of watching TV can say that . . . Such a cliché . . . sad really.

People are sad. What happened to throwing back your head and laughing out loud, when trouble seemed to strike and scaring away the troubles by giving them an inferiority complex?? What happened?

Interesting

I've always known that I can't express my emotions, feelings, thoughts or anything of that sort clearly so from now on I'll stop. Easier for me. I know I'm a self-centred prick, but, hey - that's just who I am.

Now. It's finished. I'm still glad to be out of that idiotic bunch of people. What I'd like to see . . . is all those people in 10 years. I doubt that all those stupid grins are still there. Possibly a few dozen will have drunk their brains away and another few dozen will have realized their own stupidity and quit the job they acquired through sweat and blood. We'll see.

There are still a few aspects of my life to figure out and I will . . . someday. Right now I'm a bit busy with tearing my apartment apart. So, I get to express all my feelings through destruction . . . rather than expressing them to people concerned.

At home with my parents again. And this time . . . it's all the same as it has always been. I can feel something giving way. And I doubt that it's a good thing. Something's going to happen pretty soon and I fear that the outcome will be not desirable for me. Again - we will see. :) So far, so good. But all fairytales end eventually the same - "And they lived happily ever after!" Nope - "They were only human so they bickered and fought each other for their entire life until one gave up and died and the other remarried."

There are no happy endings - it's a preposterous idea . . . If a relationship has a happy ending, that would mean everyone were perfectly happy with the outcome . . . that's impossible. In any case, the ending itself marks the end - a relationship will never end. If you don't communicate at all with the person anymore - the relationship is still going on, only in a non-communicative manner. Now, I know that once again I'm not making much sense. But that's just me.

To end today, I'd like to quote someone: "I always assumed that I'd find someone before you did!" Suggestive, no? And from "Penn & Teller's BullShit" - absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. . . again - very suggestive and completely false.

Really

I finished it. Had almost no emotion doing so, except pity of course - self-pity, that is. Two years . . . was it worth it? Hell yes, I'd do it again without even thinking about it. Some of the best moments are related to, derived from or just happened there.

I've found out now, what I need to do. And it's all what I secretly had known all along - it's just made clearer and clearer to me as time progresses.

A short entry, this. But one or two more things to add still. Over the last few weeks I think I've seen all sides of the human race. Starting with idiotic people going over to innocent people going over to mad people going over to the best people going over to ignorant people . . . Now I believe the spectrum is complete. From here on there's nothing more to do than learn and clarify and to observe - just to reinforce all that I've seen so far. Be with you really soon.