how can I go on? (freddy mercury)

To be around this many people a day is too much for me. 4 people per day - far too much.
"How can I go on? From day to day! How can I be strong in every way?" (Freddy and Montserrat Caballet).
Can it be any easier? Just do what I do - try and never talk to anyone (talking to others always creates problems), be as self-centered as you like (if you don't take care of yourself, no one will) and think (about anything . . . and everything and daydream as much as you want - some of your best moments come from them).

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange and pretend you're laughing at it" Manny, from Black Books.
Just think about it - do all those things and it would brighten up everybody's day. Everybody should listen to Baz Luhrmann's Graduation Speech. If everyone followed those guidelines, the world would be a better place. No, I do not possess a miracle cure for the world, but I do have a cure for myself - I should listen to my own advice (things would be better for me if I did that). Unfortunately, I am not able to follow any of my own rules. I try and I fail. I am very skilled at giving bad advice to others and I should be content with that. But no - when I have just ruined someone's ... whatever . . I always have great ideas how to get out of the mess I told them to get in. (for some reason, I have lost many friends doing that) interesting.

But now I shall take my own advice and go to bed.

did

your non-returnable outgoings for the first half of the year exceed your deductions for quarterly VAT returns?

I certainly hope not.

now, really

And now for something completely different.

I started this blog to complain about the . . . well everything basically. I tried to complain to others, but my complaints were'nt important enough for them . . . the same with local newspapers - I tried to get my grievances published. but maybe fortunately none of them made it to the papers. So I turned to The Internet. As long as I don't have to pay for speaking my mind, all is well.

I must confess - I have never been very fluent in any language, so as my posts are full of errors, never mind them. I'm sure you'll get my meaning. That's more than I can say about some people living in Estonia - you know the one's - Russians and other nice people. Now I'm not talking about all the Russians, just the ones, who still think Estonia is a Russian province run by local men just to show people in Moscow that they are able to do so. No, I'm referring actually to those, who somehow can't seem to grasp the idea that living in a country which has only one native/national language and it's not Russian, does not mean you can expect everyone to understand you. Even some tribes in Africa, living a few hundred miles apart, don't understand each other. So why is it that foreigners LIVING here expect to be treated like they lived in the Russian Federation? Hasn't anyone found the time to send them an SMS, reading "hey, Union collapsed, time to move back or learn the local language? Oh, right, the larger portion of those people have never heard of the telephone, let alone a portable one. I swear there was this 70+ Russian lady, who looked out of the window and seeing a mobile phone, she almost collapsed. (see, what science does to people).

These people still have their radios tuned in to some top secret frequency, where they can hear all about the world dominance led by the working class of the Soviet Union. And since the broadcasters just read what they are told to read, the listeners at home never got the message that the wall came down, countries got independent and the U.S got bored and decided to partake in 5 major wars inside 20 years just to keep doing something. (I've always wondered, what would the states be like when they were not involved in any wars - history presumably has never seen peace in the states - when they got bored of fighting elsewhere, they saw they had people to pick on right under their noses. And when they finally got bored of them, they decided to trace down the roots of all those brown people that they persecuted for centuries and take deadly aim at those countries from which the brown people spawned from. Sadly, they said the only way to make peace and teach democracy, was by firing countless bullets into countless bodies - just sad.)

Oh, where was I?? Quickly now, I can't remember everything.
Oh well, I'll be back when somebody remembers, what I tried to say. Till then - keep far away from this blog - It can cause cancer, pneumonia and an incredibly intense need to kick me in the groin. So keep away, I beg of you.

what?

I know - it's been a long time since I wrote anything. I don't really care, but I can offer an explanation - I was preoccupied with sleeping and drinking. I don't drink much and when I do, I also sleep much. At least I try. The more I drink, the more I sleep. I took my exams, passed them and now I'm starting another really tedious task - school . . . lots of laws, boring classes and the gym and of course celibacy with an occasional wank.
So much has happened recently - don't know where to start. . . As I believe, these events are never worth mentioning, so I won't.
Just that how come I never realize anything before others? Everyone else seem far better informed than me. I always hear the news last. As in - Hey, did you hear about . . . . and I'm going - yeah, something, but not all the information . . . and then I realize that I'm the last one in my circle of friends to receive any kinds of news.

So, I'm gonna read the news now, Bye.

Life is worth losing

I tried to make the most of my day - never do that . . . things are bound to go wrong. Things get in your way and there are sharp edges everywhere just waiting for you to find them and bang your foot against them and hop around yelling naughty words.

Still, it wasn't all bad. I did what needed to be done - i don't know if I did it right, but I did it anyway. Right now I really don't care anymore. For me, attempting to do something that seems correct in other's minds, is a failed cause to begin with. I tried to succeed, but life (as Carlin put it) hit me in the stomach and kicked me in the balls and I say - enjoy it, take a fucking chance once in a while - what are you going to do? - play with your prick another 30 years? Fuck that. There's more to life than just pleasing others. It's about you trying to make it through another day. Again, we are born, we slave, we wither. I realise now, that life really is like George Carlin says it is - life is not that complicated - you wake up, go to work, eat three meals, take one good shit and go back to bed. Where's the fucking mystery?

I say that to myself every day. And you know what - it helps, it really helps. I urge all of you to look at your life and see how very absurdly easy it is. The only ones making it hard to handle, are us.

My sister just claimed that I'm the sickest person ever - did it really take her that long to figure it out? I mean I'm 20, for crying out loud. I realised that when I first saw my prick and thought "hey, that might be fun!". Well, she is slow sometimes - what can we do, huh?

Right, I'm going to drink and dance now 'till I'm 80 and am on a dialysis machine, doing liverdance with michael flatline . . . regards to mr Robin Williams

PS! Just remember that you're standing on a planet that evolving and revolving at 900 miles an hour . . .

life

How should I describe the situation?

I'm not depressed, not happy, just f*****g ignorant. I just don't care anymore. Don't care about anything. Not myself, not others. I'd like to, but I just can't - don't have the energy. Every day I get about ten times the amount of information I can process and I can't handle that. As I involuntarily try and be helpful to everybody I meet and listen to all their concerns, problems, success-stories etc I drain myself of all the energy I have left. It doesn't help that I eat once a day and that meal is mediocre at best. And I try and work out every day. And I smoke. And I don't care about my health (done that for at least ten years now). I did try caring about something recently, but that led to a dead end. As Dylan Moran would put it - genetically speaking I am an evolutionary cul-de-sac. And for reasons known only to some weird inner-me, I am happy with that. (not happy in general, just happy about that particular fact).

It all just seems so very depressing, but it isn't.

The weird part is, I am not tired - I sleep almost 10 hours each day - about 2 or 3 times more than usual. I was planning on making this a funny post, but as usual when I try to be funny, I fail miserably. I'm funny only when I tell the truth, when I state a widely-known fact - then everybody for some reason find me hilarious. I can't even make statements about my own life - people would die of laughter. But the truth is, that we wither and wine and we fade away.

I'll fade away today with that last statement - life is not that complicated - you wake up, go to work, eat three meals, take one good shit and go back to bed.

My blog. . . my heavens, what on earth am I supposed to write here? Up to now I have been just writing down incoherent ramblings that just pop into my mind. Now I'd like to contribute to the sacred art of Internet blogging but all I can come up with is complete waste of everyone's time.

Let me just keep it simple then - I had a great time today, I hope the other person I was with enjoyed a bit of my company also. However, I still find that living a life of lie is wrong - I am not going into this again . . . don't worry.

Isn't it just wonderful how I'm just kind of having a conversation with someone, although no one reads my blog? It might seem to an innocent bystander that I'm talking to myself - it would seem like it to me. No, actually, this blog is just for me to write down all my thoughts I feel like expressing the time I'm writing it. So, you'll find some obscure hints about myself, others, my intimate life and the politics here. On some occasions I might write something completely out of character.

So, that's cleared up, now. How hard is it to go to bed. For something's sake - I am very tired right now - I want to sleep and rest (Some Supreme Being knows I need some) but my hands just keep on typing away. I should have gone to bed hours ago, but I'm still here? Am I fucking stupid?
No, I'm just human - apparently my brain doesn't seem to find a reason for me to go and sleep. How ridiculous - I'm gonna explain to my idiot of a brain that I need to sleep.

Cheerio.

from heaven to hell and back to earth

Well . . . again with the word well . . . I kind of thought, I'd change the word for Wow... (not final yet, still working on it)

Whenever life seems too good, it usually is. Keep that in mind that the next time you discover a big wad of cash in your pocket :) No, seriously though, I'm having trouble understanding why world works as it does. I mean - we are all floating merrily along the path of life, humming to ourselves, not looking in front of us. We don't look, cause we are afraid. We are afraid cause we know happiness never lasts - therefore we pretend (whistling merrily, observing clouds shaped like ducks with knives in their backs and that sort of things - you know - merry in general) If we did look down we'd see that we're standing on a neat trim of daisies in a complete wasteland. A step left or right or even back would take us back to our lives' stone age. Nobody wants to admit that all luck is fading - we try and prolong it till it wears out completely and leave ourselves back at the beginning . . . back in the complete wasteland with a bright spot appearing every few miles but when we try to step on that little bit of happiness, it fades under a pile of rubbish.
Now, I'm not saying there's no way to achieve happiness. . . There certainly is, but it definitely is not in pretending all is well, while we all know it isn't or it soon won't.

I am not here just to cast a dark gloom all over us, but I'm just fed up. (I feel like saying "Come on, get on with it" to myself)

Why not? I shall try and get on with it. Now all I need to know is, what this IT is I need to get on with. . . and how do I get on with it, when I finally do realize what IT is. Too complicated to me :S Let me go back to just existing, OK?

Can I just be a vessel, a mere vessel floating across the seven seas? and some lakes and rivers perhaps (cause I wouldn't fit in a stream, now, would I)? NO . . . lucky for me I'm still a government official - and our government has just recently f****d me up the behind so I can't even sit down, but that's OK - the government has yet to ask me to sit down, so I'll stand until then. When I finally am showered with the golden kindness of the government and they ask me to sit, they'll take two monster c***s and shove them in my mouth and sore ass. Actually I'm looking forward to that meeting with the Grand One's so I could just say all I ever wanted to say about the system. I just hope they give me enough time to prepare myself for this mental masturbation that is going to take place in May 2009.

Enough. Not to touch that topic again till May 2009. I'm having a writers cramp, so I'll quit while I'm ahead, but that would mean I'd have to erase most of I've written today. Dilemma
Since no one actually reads this crap, I'll leave it as it is and go think what to say when Higher Officials attack me with pitchforks and torches.

weird ass s**t people doing now

Well . . . well, that has been a word used awfully lot recently.
Don't know why is it that people I meet never quite seem to get what they want . . . (and besides, who says I've got a label stuck to my forehead reading: "hey, talk to me - i know i met you only 5 minutes ago, but please do reveal all your deepest secrets to me" - i have not noticed that particular label ever being there)
People should try and keep their inmost thought to themselves, otherwise they'll always wonder why people use their words against themselves. There's no reason, no matter how much you like the other person, to start unravelling ALL your views and ideas the first time you see the person.
Another thing - why can't people be honest? To themselves and to others. . . Frankly, I'm sick and tired of it - people lying to themselves . . . why ??? Please stop saying - I'm fat, ugly, stupid or just not good enough. It's bad if it's done for some other person (not good enough for him/her), but it's even worse if you lie to yourself - you can't imagine how much others hate that . . . And there are two ways on doing this - you either berate yourself or think too much of yourself - either: "there's so much wrong me, I'm no good" or "I'm the best there ever was" - none of those work.

Finally . . . what I meant to say - we're all different, we ALL have faults and problems. It's not about how we can hide them or disguise them - it's about how we manage WITH them. I'm not saying people shouldn't try and improve themselves, no - it's OK to improve. But it is not OK to complain or boast too much.