Here we go again.

I know, I know. I haven't written anything for so long. Let's get down to business then.

The reason why I haven't written anything is that nothing has happened that needs to be talked about. Although - recently school kind of ended. So that's always nice. But I feel like I didn't finish it all. All - means all relationships with my mates there. By mates I mean all the people that went to the same school. I feel like something is left dangling. It might be relationships with my teachers, my peers or with myself (yes, I do have many relationships within myself and they're not all good).

Isn't it funny though - the more we think, the more we worry? I recently attended a mass-kind-of-thing and it left me with a head full of questions. The speaker said that we needen't worry - leave it all to God. What kind of advice is that? Don't worry - God will handle all things that need to be handled. I was baffled with that statement. I never thought any Christian would ever give me that kind of advice. In my mind (I know I misinterpret such thing often), the guy said - God gave us free will but no chance to use it for doing good. He Himself handles all these things. He actually said that we need not to worry about mundane tasks like tests at school, relationships, work etc. What the hell?? So I'm supposed to live my life, making all the right decisions and still I'm not in control of my own life? OK, so if I trust God, He will know what's best for me and will make it happen. So why give us free will in the first place??? It's so controversial - "hey, here's free will, use it well, but know that I'm in control anyways - so it doesn't matter what you do with your free will, I control your life no matter what." Another thing - a very controversial fact - they usually say that we must take responsibility for our actions, right. It's a known truth. Although, a few days ago I heard the exact opposite - the responsibility for all the major decisions lies entirely on God. Spare me, please! Let me know when you've made up your mind, OK?

In order to teach and spread a religion, one must be persistent and consistent, right? Correct me if I'm wrong, but what kind of a religion is it, where everybody takes a portion of the Holy of Holiest Books and lives by it? Not the entire book, but just a part of it that suits best with the ideas of the person or the group to which one belongs. It's the same as taking the Constitution or the Estonian Principal Law. No way are you allowed to follow only a part of the rules. There are penalties for disobeying the rules. It should be the same with every religion - if you exclude a part of the Book by which your community (famil, Church, whatever) leads it's life - there should be a penalty for that. But no - every group believes that no matter what part of the Holy Book they follow and obey their final goal will be heaven/Nirvana/eternal bliss/reincarnation.

Despite being repetitious - religion is a deeply PERSONAL experience. For some reason I don't really get all choked up about a book that describes miracles that took place 2000 years ago, while the book itself was written almost 600 years after all the miracles took place. How come the book stops there? What happened next? The Holy Books describe something until a certain point. But if they should be considered to be books on the religions' history, I call that the book is incomplete. I am fairly certain that the religions' history ended where the Holy Book ended at. It would be the same to write a history book (write it in the year 2009 A.D) describing a town called Tartu. "It was first mentioned by an arab geographer in 1030 etc . . . up until the point where Tartu was one of the main trading routes operator on the Pärnu-Peipsi line during Middle Ages in the 15th and 16th century." That's all - no books will ever cover the time in between now and the time the book stopped at. And even if there are such books, these are not considered to be on the same level as the first one. Let's take the Bible. Why are there no (religious) books describing Christianity from where it stopped to the Nicaen creed, which was the time, when the Bible was composed through a vote? Why? There are history books related to the theme but they're not considered to be important for faith of Christians. Right. What happened? Christianity was put on hold for several hundred years? Surely something happened. Did they mourn Jesus for all that time? Did they consider that the Bible was sufficient enough - no need to cover any other event in history? Or did they decide it was best to leave the rest out, which to me seems the most obvious way of handling such a crisis.

Bear with me just a moment more. Somehow I just can't trust a religion based on Sun worship, with most of the world as followers never even knowing the fact. Christianity is not original. It is not even the oldest religion. Judaism in general, buddhism, taoist beliefs all hail the arrival of the so-called Messiah. All at different times and different places. Why is Christianity The Correct Religion? I don't get it and probably never will. I hope that billions of people haven't wasted their time going to church every SUNday and when the Apocalypse arrives they'll be on the escalator towards the Golden Gates of Heaven and they'll be able to say to me: "Told you so!" Hopefully my sister and the whole Risttee, Salemi and Kolgata congregations and all pious and good people will be there. I wish them well and finally I'll be able to say: "Forgive me Father for I have sinned and the biggest sin was against You! And I know now that I was mistaken but let me rejoyce one last time for all the people who made the right decision in their heart - I was sad enough to not be able to accept You in my life and heart!" For some reason I feel there will not be only Christians on the escalator, I believe there will be deeply pious and great human beings who have never even considered Christianity, but instead chose Buddhism or any other religion or no religion at all. But they were just great people and they lead good, honourable lives and inspired others to do so as well and they were pure of heart and they lacked the hatred I possess oh so much.

I believe! But not as you do, who try and fill my head with even more confusing stuff every weekend. Don't be so controversial and hypocritical and I'll consider you with more respect.

Belief in a Supreme Being (Christ, Buddha, Faith, Zeus, Poseidon, whoever you want) has led many people to better lives and purer hearts and for that I thank all the religions and personal beliefs in the world. Thank you, but I have found My Way and it may be wrong, it may mean I'll suffer forever for the consequences, but at least I can, before my death look at others and hopefully say that yes, I made a mistake and you were right. May you have a long and glorious eternity! Be safe my readers and try and be kind to all around you! Please.

I've

got low tolerance for stupid bullshit.

Upside down.

Don't you ever get the feeling that you can't grasp anything anymore - all of it seems to slipping away . . . ? I do - right now. I feel something . . . I know something will happen very soon and it grieves the hell out of me, that I don't know what it is. I feel like the CIA (Central Intuitive Agency) working with Ms Cleo. (Robin Williams:))

Seriously - I need to think. Just take some time and figure all of this shit out. Thank you, that's all.

Flashback

Now - I shouldn't remember it, but I had the weirdest flasback in my life. I went to a store (a corner-shop, kiosk, if you please) and as I stepped in I could feel the shivers on my spine . . . As I were reliving the experiences of these thousands of people, who stood in long lines everyday, just to get a loaf of bread. I looked around in that shop and all I could feel, was despair - the shelves were empty. I have never seen such a sight (no, I've seen it, but I don't remember it). I felt gratitude for having something like close to a hundred stores I could choose from, but I selt of surge of realization wash over me. This is what stores were like not so long ago - I was alive at that time. And then another realization hit me - in Cuba . . . it's still like that. People waiting in long, long lines just so that they could survive. I'm not even going to mention the problems in Africa, because when I get to the poverty and wars that take place there every day, I would type away for a whole day.

Instead, I despise myself. Just imagine the life my parents gave me. I've had everything I ever wanted. And still I complained. :S:S:S I wanted a toy, a treat, a bag of chips or whatever . . . at a time, when my mom was living alone, raising two children and working double-shifts just to keep the family alive. My respect for my mother and her parents rose like a thousand-fold. Just imagine . . .

Exponentially.

Continuing with Lewis Black. :)

"But this year's Superbowl was historic, because for the first time ever I spent the first six minutes watching this game, they went to four minutes of commercials, they came back . . . I forgot who was playing. And some of the commercials are spectacular, they're extraordinary, they're like mystery stories. You don't even know what they are selling, until the very end. . . .Three rabbits are on a log and one of them goes home and hangs himself. . . . . Buy a bike . . .
Pepsi ran an ad. At the last Superbowl, there was the most psychotic ad I've ever seen. The ad was starring Britney Spears. She came out and she was singing about Pepsi. But you don't know what she was singing, cause she can't sing. So the message you got, was titty, titty, titty, ass, ass, ass, titty, titty, ass, ass, ass, more ass, titty, titty, titty, ass, ass, titty, titty, ass. Then it was half-time. And half-time at the Superbowl is the best. Because half-time at the Superbowl has gotten exponentially worse every year. I use the word exponentially, because I was taught it in a math class and that's the first sentence I could use it in. Exponentially worse means crappier and crappier and crappier. Last year the half-time show was presented by MTV. Cause, when I think music - oh yeah, I think MTV. The people, who have done everything they could in my lifetime to destroy music as I know it. And in case you don't realize it, MTV is to music, as KFC is to chicken. So who does MTV get to play at half-time? They get N'Sync. Sure, cause when I think football, I think N'Sync. And it was interesting cause I'd never heard N'Sync play, cause when they come on, I like to take a pencil and shove it in my ear. And that would have been enough for a half-time show, but no. Quite shortly thereafter they are joined by AeroSmith. I have N'Sync and AeroSmith . . . and I am confused. N'Sync and AeroSmith are two bands that shouldn't be in the same state at the same time. So N'Sync and AeroSmith began to play, but they played was no music. What you heard was the sound of chaos. I know that sounds strange, but it's true. Because I could hear the sounds of pigs being slaughtered, and women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth. I heard sounds that were so horrible, if I were to repeat them to you, you would flee this room in horror. I thought - this has got to be over soon. I've been watching this half-time show since I was eleven years old. But no. The boys are joined by Britney Spears. I have N'Sync and AeroSmith and Britney Spears - I have trifecta from hell. But I was lucky, because I had a spoon in my hand and I shoved it up my ass. . . . . . . you may be wondering why - to distract myself from the pain. Because if I'm gonna hurt that much, I'm gonna do it to myself. Oprah calls that empowerment."

One last thought to end the program. The more you learn, the more you realize how much more there is to learn. And to top it all off - CandyCorn is the only candy in the history of the United States that has never been advertised - just a little sneak preview.

And remember folks, demolition is always much, much easier than building - especially now - that credit crunch has left people homeless and house foundationless and foundations houseless and houses wall-less and again people hopeless. The really saddening part is the graph that shows that in January there were thousands of robberies and burglaries. And here comes the saddest part - some of the people who got swept away by the credit crunch and turned to thievery have now gone to take their own lives. That is sad indeed - life is sacred, I believe and to waste it by deceiting God (or intelligent design - whatever you wanna call Him) . . . well, it's an easier way out. But even I, who has considered suicide one time or another in my life, have found reasons to live - not one, but many.

Please, come to your senses!

School

As I have resorted to only writing inexplicable and ludicrous texts, here we go again. And I quote: (this time from a comedy show by Lewis Black) "I've seen the end of the Universe and it's in the United States and oddly enough it's in Houston, Texas. Imagine my surprise, when I left the comedy club one day and walked to the end of the block. And on one streetcorner there was a Starbucks... And opposite to that Starbucks, in the same exact building as that Starbucks, there was a Starbucks. I looked back and forth, thinking the Sun was playing tricks with my eyes. But there was a Starbucks across from a Starbucks. [...] What kind of people need the service of a Starbucks across from a Starbucks. I thought about this long and hard and I found only one group people. There's only one group of people that would make this joke of mine work. And these are people with Alzheimer's. It has to be a group of people that can drink coffee all day and then walk across the floor and open the door and say: "Gentlemen, do my eyes decieve me? I believe that's a Starbucks. I believe that it's time for a cup-a-Joe!" [...] I say that's the end of the Universe. People ask how do I know. I say, go there, look at your watch, time stands still!"

Stand still and observe - observe people all around you and respect them. I know I'm in search of the utopic way of life. But I can't help it. I just need to see happiness. All I can see in people, are insults, deceitfulness, disillusionment, heartache and despair. People may seem to happy and confident on the first glance. But when looked deeper and deeper inside people, I have come to find out, that most people are insecure inside, like lost puppies in a crowded fun-fair, like lost little children in a crowded Madonna concert. All are in search and pursuit of something . . . most are pursuing goals, that they will never achieve. And most have seen troubled times and have been hurt - severely. And I feel sorry for them. As Eminem sang . . . "I can see you're sad, even when you smile, even when you laugh, I can see it in your eyes, deep inside you wanna cry, cause you're scared [...]"

That's what I have noticed too - the eyes betray us. I have seen it far too often to take it non-chalantly. I care, believe it or not. I just met a wonderful person and even though she smiles a lot and she has a very beautiful smile, I can see in her eyes that she's troubled, she's having a problem, a memory she can't get rid of. She is slightly older than me and yet as I peek inside herself, I see that her heart and soul are younger than me. She hides, like most of us, behind a pretended faćade of confidence. And I feel so bad and I feel so sad for them, for I don't have a heart, I have a piece of flint as a heart-substitute. I'd like to comfort all those people, but I'm too selfish . . .

With that I leave you today to sit and wonder - what the f**k is wrong with this EMO? And I grant you that . . . I may be an emo for your eyes and I won't get offended for as I said - my heart has been replaced by a piece of stone-cold flint.

Uutšitsja, uutšitsja, uutšitsja

Eks nii see läheb . . . kirjutangi eesti keeles. No, vahepeal ikka võib. Blogid . . . ja kõik muu jura siin elus saab kord otsa. Saab otsa raha, sest seda pole tegelikult kunagi olnudki; saab otsa sõprus, sest ka selline asi tegelikult ei eksisteeri (on vaid keemilised reaktsioonid inimeste kehades, mis saavad alguse aju erinevaist kihtidest ja piirkondadest) jne jne jne. Saab otsa kõik hea ja saab otsa kõik halb. Õhus on tunda lõppemise lõhna. Iga suletud ukse kohta on kuskil avatud aken ja vice versa (parafraseering).

"You gotta laugh while you can." (Carlos Mencia). Pidage see meeles! "Be on the look-out for things that make you laugh, if you see nothing worth laughing at, pretend you see it, then laugh!" (Bill Bailey, Black Books. Pidage ka see meeles.

Ja dieedifriikidele kogu maailmas: "Viis minutit naeru asendab pätsi leiba!" (Five minutes of laughter substitutes a loaf of bread.) (N.Nossov)

Lõpetaks selle kõige loogikavastasema blogi tsitaadiga filmist "Johnny English" . . . "Jesus is coming, act busy!"