We all strive to be the best. Hell, there's nothing wrong with that. I want to be the best person I can be. I truly do. And yet I'm curious. Isn't that what all people want? It can't be just me. TBNE . . . always blows my mind. Actually - let's look at how much deceit, fraud and theft there is. . . that makes it sure, that wanting the best and wanting to be best is best to leave alone. I was mesmerized and doubtful - it proved to be the right instinct. It prepared me for it. (ok, enough EMO time)
The best - what the fuck is that anyway? I know the best person ever. I know of the best person ever to live on this Earth. I even know the best basketball player ever to have lived.
In sports - it's easy - the fastest, jumps the longest, throws the hardest and so - they are the best in the world. Singers too - best singers (ok, I admit - the charts are different for each person). But the favorite - there again . . . "she, in my mind, is the best singer, dancer, performer, lover, player, knitter, skiier, president and so on"
It's all relative - best to whom? best for whom? best from whom? All these are bullshit. I have the best computer - nonsense; i have the best girlfriend - maybe for you; i have the best player on my team - in your mind, yes . . . I could go on whole day. The thing is - there is nothing wrong with wanting to be the best - that's a good thing to hurtle towards (so as long as you are not hurting anyone on the way). But wanting the best gets you always very badly hurt.
Whatever it is it never is the best!
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
nameless
We've come to that point now.
Equations - especially balancing them. Always tricky. The balance of nature - always easy and logical if you know where to look. Good and evil, happiness and sadness, fulfillment and unfulfillment and so on and on and on.
I know there's a certain order in the world and I don't want to argue that. I just am really interested . . . in everything - and that's paying off. I finally managed to make a triple. It's so funny, right? I have always been the one to say that words can't hurt. And I still believe that. It's not the words that hurt us - it's the feeling attached to them. Say "I love you!" to a stranger on a street - see the response - it's made by the feeling the person attaches it to - "a stranger talking to me - saying such things - a mad person, obviously" . . . Some take it in stride, some take it as a joke. Some are insulted (usually for personal psychological reasons). But insult someone - compare the emotions generated by those two. Right - the reason is that I thought I was immune. I stood in front of the exam committee and took a verbal punch after verbal punch and dealt with it with no more worries than a light blush and that also was not because of the questions asked from me. You can imagine my surprise . . . well, maybe I shouldn't - since I was the one pushing it. Oh, well - the idea is, that it made my stomach churn. And one really, very, awsomely powerful feeling came back to me - flooding me, embracing me thoroughly in itself and suffocating me. And me - with my usual coldness, took in stride, like all the time I had done in school, still do in school . . . I sat there, figured it out - blankly, no emotion, besides the one I was subconsciously supressing with all my willpower to not show it to anyone. Although, I was alone . . .
I understand it - I feel it. Or do I? The thing is - I'm tired - I probably over-reacted (under-reacted actually) . . . And it was me, always me, who explained himself too shabbily. Too weak were the explanations, too weak the bluff. I feel cold, but I can deal with that. I feel weak, but I can deal with that. I feel, but I can deal with that. I feel empty - that I can't deal with. There's a ray of light, though. It might just be that - a ray . . . without any light. But I can be happy to know that the ray has shone on me. It has let its light on me. And I could die happy knowing that.
Just . . . you know - the best is bullshit. It has been proven. And yet I doubt - I, for once know the best . . . the best for me. The best . . . And all the other bests are nothing to that one best, right? Right. I'll accept that.
Equations - especially balancing them. Always tricky. The balance of nature - always easy and logical if you know where to look. Good and evil, happiness and sadness, fulfillment and unfulfillment and so on and on and on.
I know there's a certain order in the world and I don't want to argue that. I just am really interested . . . in everything - and that's paying off. I finally managed to make a triple. It's so funny, right? I have always been the one to say that words can't hurt. And I still believe that. It's not the words that hurt us - it's the feeling attached to them. Say "I love you!" to a stranger on a street - see the response - it's made by the feeling the person attaches it to - "a stranger talking to me - saying such things - a mad person, obviously" . . . Some take it in stride, some take it as a joke. Some are insulted (usually for personal psychological reasons). But insult someone - compare the emotions generated by those two. Right - the reason is that I thought I was immune. I stood in front of the exam committee and took a verbal punch after verbal punch and dealt with it with no more worries than a light blush and that also was not because of the questions asked from me. You can imagine my surprise . . . well, maybe I shouldn't - since I was the one pushing it. Oh, well - the idea is, that it made my stomach churn. And one really, very, awsomely powerful feeling came back to me - flooding me, embracing me thoroughly in itself and suffocating me. And me - with my usual coldness, took in stride, like all the time I had done in school, still do in school . . . I sat there, figured it out - blankly, no emotion, besides the one I was subconsciously supressing with all my willpower to not show it to anyone. Although, I was alone . . .
I understand it - I feel it. Or do I? The thing is - I'm tired - I probably over-reacted (under-reacted actually) . . . And it was me, always me, who explained himself too shabbily. Too weak were the explanations, too weak the bluff. I feel cold, but I can deal with that. I feel weak, but I can deal with that. I feel, but I can deal with that. I feel empty - that I can't deal with. There's a ray of light, though. It might just be that - a ray . . . without any light. But I can be happy to know that the ray has shone on me. It has let its light on me. And I could die happy knowing that.
Just . . . you know - the best is bullshit. It has been proven. And yet I doubt - I, for once know the best . . . the best for me. The best . . . And all the other bests are nothing to that one best, right? Right. I'll accept that.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Here's the thing.
I don't understand many things. But one of the things I most yearn to understand, is the human being. How it works. Why does it work. And most of all - what the fuck it's thinking.
So, here's my problem - according to Einstein - everything is relative. If someone was, to say, conduct a research or follow through with a project, then different people were to look at it very differently. My example being my own project that I led. What's more important - the way it's carried out - meaning the correctness of the lector, the working of all the electronic devices and what not, OR the reason why it was carried out and the effect it had on the people involved in the project?
Let me say that - my lector was excellent, really great - she lectures to the Tartu University for heaven's sake. And the examinators said she was the only one good thing in my project. I agree - she was wonderful. Although - half the people in the 7th grade that were there, almost fell asleep. Now, I'm not saying there was anything wrong with her speech, it's just that it was 45 minutes directed to 13-14 year olds. Now, they can't sit still for more than 25 minutes. Not possible.
And then there was I - they said I lectured very dully . . . OK, understandable - but my topic was laws. So I lectured boringly about laws - how about that? Really now - the children themselves gave me feedback about the doctor's lecture being dull and, on the other hand, learning so much about the laws which deal with minors and tobacco and alcohol. Right - but altogether - what's it worth my complaining here? Nothing - they made their decision. They looked at it from another perspective and almost flunked me. So, in their eyes it was important that the lecture was as long as possible and the children would fall asleep half way through. Not important, though, was the fact that the children got the message. Alrighty then. I don't know if it's my instincts that are wrong or are theirs, the examinators' instincts. For now - I have to analyze it and come up with something purposeful to combat them with when I go to protect my project.
I'm sure I'll have more to comment about that later on.
So, here's my problem - according to Einstein - everything is relative. If someone was, to say, conduct a research or follow through with a project, then different people were to look at it very differently. My example being my own project that I led. What's more important - the way it's carried out - meaning the correctness of the lector, the working of all the electronic devices and what not, OR the reason why it was carried out and the effect it had on the people involved in the project?
Let me say that - my lector was excellent, really great - she lectures to the Tartu University for heaven's sake. And the examinators said she was the only one good thing in my project. I agree - she was wonderful. Although - half the people in the 7th grade that were there, almost fell asleep. Now, I'm not saying there was anything wrong with her speech, it's just that it was 45 minutes directed to 13-14 year olds. Now, they can't sit still for more than 25 minutes. Not possible.
And then there was I - they said I lectured very dully . . . OK, understandable - but my topic was laws. So I lectured boringly about laws - how about that? Really now - the children themselves gave me feedback about the doctor's lecture being dull and, on the other hand, learning so much about the laws which deal with minors and tobacco and alcohol. Right - but altogether - what's it worth my complaining here? Nothing - they made their decision. They looked at it from another perspective and almost flunked me. So, in their eyes it was important that the lecture was as long as possible and the children would fall asleep half way through. Not important, though, was the fact that the children got the message. Alrighty then. I don't know if it's my instincts that are wrong or are theirs, the examinators' instincts. For now - I have to analyze it and come up with something purposeful to combat them with when I go to protect my project.
I'm sure I'll have more to comment about that later on.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Let me just say something real quick.
What??? I don't understand. Tell me, please, someone - what is wrong with certain people? I don't understand that. To me, relationships are never easy nor shallow. But still, I don't commit an anecdotal mental suicide, when things are not going my way.
Here's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth: I met a girl. A student in the same school I was in. I was attracted to her and not having enough experience in relationships, I got attached too deep. And I've been trying to undo the damage ever since. I never wanted for her to get hurt. But you know Russians - like gypsies - hurt them and they will hate you for life, be nice to them and you won't get rid of them. So, here was my dilemma - I was prepared to act in some kind of a relationship with her. Whatever the kind was. To the best of my knowledge, we were fuck-buddies, well, no, actually we never even reached that level. I tried to be friends with her. I tried to reason with her. I tried and tried and again and again and again. And I failed miserably every time. The fact that I was so inexperienced, left me dangling and not able to let go of her, because I knew I would've hurt her. Now I realize, I should've hurt her a long time ago . . . then the pain wouldn't have been so deep. I exited with no real regrets, other than hurting her. I am as strong-shelled as I need to be and it didn't hurt me nearly as much as it must've hurt her.
Now to the really fun part. We had sex. It was okay. I found out she was in a relationship. It was not okay. I found out that she broke up with him. That was fine. They got together two days after that. That was not fine. She said she broke up with him. That was good. I found out later that she lied. That was not good. We spent time together and I realised that we could be good friends. That was OK. We had sex. That was not OK. She broke up with him again. Now, that was not good. I tried to console her. Then things went out hand. She wanted a relationship. She wanted me to be her boyfriend. I didn't want to be that. She didn't understand that. She was still together with her boyfriend. I explained to her how relationships work. I did it for two hours and she seemed to understand that. Two days later I realised she hadn't even listened to what I said. She listened, but did not hear anything I said. It went worse. She didn't understand anything I said - how could she expect me to be her boyfriend when she said that she wasn't sure whether she could be faithful to me. What kind of a relationship would it be??? She never understood the reasons why I didn't like her. Lies, deceit and more lies. No way I could trust anything she said.
Let's get it straight - she lied to me from the beginning and continued her track of lies to the end. And she got pissed off at me when I said I couldn't be with her. And she got pissed off at her for not hugging her or kissing her when I saw her, while she still was together with her man. She got pissed off at me, when I made fun. She got angry when I tried to do anything that I liked. She never understood what I had actually given her. She never appreciated the fact that I sacrificed two years' worth of relationships just to not make her sad or hurt her.
Then came the climax - I met this wonderful woman and I knew I had to be with her. And then there was Her. I had to say that I had had enough of this cherade. I told her bluntly that I was seeing someone and we could probably make something happen. I had to let her go - I had seen her break up with her boyfriend for 5 times in two years - I had always been there for her, sacrificed so much to her. And when I exposed to her, that I, actually also have a life, she quit speaking to me. I know I should be happy, because I'm free and I'm trying to be. With help from this new aquintance I am happy. Happier than I ever was with that co-student of mine. I feel that I'm accepted for who I am. If for two years I hadn't had the chance to express myself freely, now I feel that I can. And it feels great. I never realised how much she hampered me in my life. And yet, here I am, like I'm reborn.
Yesterday I realized I had been foolish all that time. I realized I had a great oppurunity with one of the greatest persons I have ever met. I also realized that I had living a lie. I tried so hard to not make someone unhappy that I forgot how to be happy myself. Now I know I aquired the means to put that idiotic person out of my head and out of my life. Today she told me she didn't want me to write to her anymore. I am a bit sad that I lost a friend. I don't have many, so I'm a bit sad. But realizing how much freedom I gain from not communicating with her . . . I can't even describe it.
Just a few more lines.
I am truly sorry I hurt her. I am truly sorry I got that involved with her. And most of all I'm sorry for her not knowing how life is lived. When you drain the other person of everything one has to offer and offer nothing in return . . . well, in my book, that is not the way for two adults to be together. I know she doesn't read this, but I wish her all the best. I know I'm better off without her, so she is way better off without me.
Lies . . . deception . . . greed . . . self-centerdness . . . unfulfilment . . . dillusionment . . . that's all I got from her. I know that whatever happens - whether I get to be with someone I want to or not (that's up to her now), I know I'll never end up in the same position ever again.
Here's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth: I met a girl. A student in the same school I was in. I was attracted to her and not having enough experience in relationships, I got attached too deep. And I've been trying to undo the damage ever since. I never wanted for her to get hurt. But you know Russians - like gypsies - hurt them and they will hate you for life, be nice to them and you won't get rid of them. So, here was my dilemma - I was prepared to act in some kind of a relationship with her. Whatever the kind was. To the best of my knowledge, we were fuck-buddies, well, no, actually we never even reached that level. I tried to be friends with her. I tried to reason with her. I tried and tried and again and again and again. And I failed miserably every time. The fact that I was so inexperienced, left me dangling and not able to let go of her, because I knew I would've hurt her. Now I realize, I should've hurt her a long time ago . . . then the pain wouldn't have been so deep. I exited with no real regrets, other than hurting her. I am as strong-shelled as I need to be and it didn't hurt me nearly as much as it must've hurt her.
Now to the really fun part. We had sex. It was okay. I found out she was in a relationship. It was not okay. I found out that she broke up with him. That was fine. They got together two days after that. That was not fine. She said she broke up with him. That was good. I found out later that she lied. That was not good. We spent time together and I realised that we could be good friends. That was OK. We had sex. That was not OK. She broke up with him again. Now, that was not good. I tried to console her. Then things went out hand. She wanted a relationship. She wanted me to be her boyfriend. I didn't want to be that. She didn't understand that. She was still together with her boyfriend. I explained to her how relationships work. I did it for two hours and she seemed to understand that. Two days later I realised she hadn't even listened to what I said. She listened, but did not hear anything I said. It went worse. She didn't understand anything I said - how could she expect me to be her boyfriend when she said that she wasn't sure whether she could be faithful to me. What kind of a relationship would it be??? She never understood the reasons why I didn't like her. Lies, deceit and more lies. No way I could trust anything she said.
Let's get it straight - she lied to me from the beginning and continued her track of lies to the end. And she got pissed off at me when I said I couldn't be with her. And she got pissed off at her for not hugging her or kissing her when I saw her, while she still was together with her man. She got pissed off at me, when I made fun. She got angry when I tried to do anything that I liked. She never understood what I had actually given her. She never appreciated the fact that I sacrificed two years' worth of relationships just to not make her sad or hurt her.
Then came the climax - I met this wonderful woman and I knew I had to be with her. And then there was Her. I had to say that I had had enough of this cherade. I told her bluntly that I was seeing someone and we could probably make something happen. I had to let her go - I had seen her break up with her boyfriend for 5 times in two years - I had always been there for her, sacrificed so much to her. And when I exposed to her, that I, actually also have a life, she quit speaking to me. I know I should be happy, because I'm free and I'm trying to be. With help from this new aquintance I am happy. Happier than I ever was with that co-student of mine. I feel that I'm accepted for who I am. If for two years I hadn't had the chance to express myself freely, now I feel that I can. And it feels great. I never realised how much she hampered me in my life. And yet, here I am, like I'm reborn.
Yesterday I realized I had been foolish all that time. I realized I had a great oppurunity with one of the greatest persons I have ever met. I also realized that I had living a lie. I tried so hard to not make someone unhappy that I forgot how to be happy myself. Now I know I aquired the means to put that idiotic person out of my head and out of my life. Today she told me she didn't want me to write to her anymore. I am a bit sad that I lost a friend. I don't have many, so I'm a bit sad. But realizing how much freedom I gain from not communicating with her . . . I can't even describe it.
Just a few more lines.
I am truly sorry I hurt her. I am truly sorry I got that involved with her. And most of all I'm sorry for her not knowing how life is lived. When you drain the other person of everything one has to offer and offer nothing in return . . . well, in my book, that is not the way for two adults to be together. I know she doesn't read this, but I wish her all the best. I know I'm better off without her, so she is way better off without me.
Lies . . . deception . . . greed . . . self-centerdness . . . unfulfilment . . . dillusionment . . . that's all I got from her. I know that whatever happens - whether I get to be with someone I want to or not (that's up to her now), I know I'll never end up in the same position ever again.
Friday, May 1, 2009
Once again - but this time more of a stream of consciousness with actual tenses.
It was tough. I don't like to whine, but still. Complaint after complaint after complaint . . . favor after favor after favor . . . meaningless. Private life - gone, vanished, perished and with it - well, to now, I'll keep it to myself. I know - it's me, right? It's never them, it's always you (Dylan Moran). I am a very calm person and still I found myself flinging my keys almost out the window the moment I stepped in my room, because I had forgetten about the open window. My foorwear touched the ceiling and landed behing a door. ... and they didn't even make a sound ... . ... I got my angel now ... . and the possibility of even seeing that angel are diminished to a mere fraction of a chance. The consolation - leisure (after my daily rounds, obviously) and a bag of megasized potato chips. A glance to my own imagination by an outsider might help me with my quest. Dashboard?? Right, to hell with this, but no - I can't - I've an obligation . . . to whom and what for and whence and for what and why and what for - what the fuck for???
Meaningless gibberish and still the best observation of one's mind. Laziness hit me . . . also insomnia and a whooping cough and depression - wonder why? I don't. I know the reason - not that I can do anything about it. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy and the number 42. Why seems it so important all of a sudden? And meaningful? Even the calmest and organised mind can be tipped over like a raft made of paper. You're everything I need and more - and I can't even lay my eyes upon you. Makes me sad to think of it. Makes me mad to think about the reason. Makes me wonder when did I start to express emotions again? Oh, right - I didn't. I just write down what I would've thought. That makes sense to me. But then again I'm senseless to begin with, so that leaves it be. "If I can get that last bit of card off there . . . " let me see your halo . . . the Improbability Device of some sort . . . But a 7,5 million year long thing with the answer of 42 and not knowing the question - I like the book - I can relate to it. To listen to a song for more than twenty times at almost maximum sound and not getting bored with or about it - amazing. You're everything I need and more - it's written all over your face. I can see your halo. Tiredness, typos and yet I can't sleep for I know that every second awake is one that's won by me to seize the day and do something for my own account. Unfortunately that leaves me with a despairingly little amount of sleep and it's taking its toll. To resist all that is thrown at me from one very particular angle is all I can do - no mental, physical or any kind of strenght to fight back.
Halo. feel, see . . . the silence when I take off the earphones will be absolute - compared to what I'm used to now.
Meaningless gibberish and still the best observation of one's mind. Laziness hit me . . . also insomnia and a whooping cough and depression - wonder why? I don't. I know the reason - not that I can do anything about it. The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy and the number 42. Why seems it so important all of a sudden? And meaningful? Even the calmest and organised mind can be tipped over like a raft made of paper. You're everything I need and more - and I can't even lay my eyes upon you. Makes me sad to think of it. Makes me mad to think about the reason. Makes me wonder when did I start to express emotions again? Oh, right - I didn't. I just write down what I would've thought. That makes sense to me. But then again I'm senseless to begin with, so that leaves it be. "If I can get that last bit of card off there . . . " let me see your halo . . . the Improbability Device of some sort . . . But a 7,5 million year long thing with the answer of 42 and not knowing the question - I like the book - I can relate to it. To listen to a song for more than twenty times at almost maximum sound and not getting bored with or about it - amazing. You're everything I need and more - it's written all over your face. I can see your halo. Tiredness, typos and yet I can't sleep for I know that every second awake is one that's won by me to seize the day and do something for my own account. Unfortunately that leaves me with a despairingly little amount of sleep and it's taking its toll. To resist all that is thrown at me from one very particular angle is all I can do - no mental, physical or any kind of strenght to fight back.
Halo. feel, see . . . the silence when I take off the earphones will be absolute - compared to what I'm used to now.
Irritable.
Energetic, impatient, incoherent, obnoxious, out-of-this-world, mindblowing, self-centered, beyond one's wildest imaginations, ungrateful, impulsive and at the same time compulsive, irritating, self-absorbed, wilful, will-less, irritating, foreboding, irritating, time-consuming, irritating, unsatisfied, irritable, bickering, irritating, obstinate, irritating, inco . . . irritable, irritating, irritating, irritating.
(possibly the most irritating piece of writing I've ever done and at the same time one of the very best - in my mind).
(possibly the most irritating piece of writing I've ever done and at the same time one of the very best - in my mind).
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