Something a little bit different

Inverted psychopath and it's psychological problems and ideas . . . a very interesting theme.

(just for the record - I don't use the mentioned rules myself - I just describe how I see other using them)

It's all bullshit (some of my previous reports) but here - some rules stand. The examples are many - whenever we want the other person to say something, do something, act in a certain manner, we use psychology, not to say we exploit it, really. In order to get someone to say something positive about you, all you have to do is degrade yourself in the eyes of a person who cares about you. Not excessively, though - do it too much and you'll piss off a lot of people. What does it gain? A bit of self-assurance, that's all. I know I may sound a little bitter and truth be told, I am a bit. How to believe people anymore - there are a few people I trust . . . (they have yet to give me a reason to doubt their sincerity). I hope I don't have to be disappointed in them - I truly do. I still have reason to hope all is not lost.

Let's take another example - using your appearance to make people pity you ... or give money - whatever it is. You never see a well-dressed homeless guy, do you? And you know that with what they make, they could go to any second-hand clothes-shop and buy themselves a lot warmer clothes instead of trying to keep warm by drinking vodka. Just my way of looking at it, I suppose.

Using your behavior to draw sympathy from peers - act in a "broken way" and, yes, people feel sorry for you. The sort of thing, where you sulk in the corner at a party hoping a caring person walks up to you and asks: "What's wrong?", so you could with all your heart say that it's nothing . . . and then hope that the next question will be - "No, really, is something wrong? Maybe I can help?" - "No, there is no one that can help me now - I've got a serious case of "Damn, I'm a retard"-syndrome." It so reminds me of "Boy Who Cried Wolf" . . . you know - when are you going to realize when someone is really in trouble if most people fake all the time? How?

Now, for something alarming - I recently found out people are weird...No, bear with me - I really did. I've lived a lie for almost a year . . . I found out that I'm mostly only talked to or about when there really is nothing left to talk about or to. That's so cool - and to think that my mom told me that I was selective about the company I chose to keep around me :) What a load of bull. Favors (excluding a selected few - see, my mom wasn't lying) are what most people keep me around for. Not that I mind, of course - I like to see happy people. Oh, just one thing - you have to make sure I realize you're just toying with me - that way everyone can be happy, ok? Right, that's settled - moving on to the next item on the list - death threats - now there's a cool subject. I recently got a ban on a town in Wester-Estonia. Now come on - a freaking 23-year-old acting like a 10-year-old. . . Can't wrap my mind about that one . . . I know there are retards in the world - I've met some, but no - he seemed like a normal human being, except his text was really like something I'd expect from my brother's peers . . . Come on!!! "Don't ever show your face here or you'll be sorry!" - any kid the age of watching TV can say that . . . Such a cliché . . . sad really.

People are sad. What happened to throwing back your head and laughing out loud, when trouble seemed to strike and scaring away the troubles by giving them an inferiority complex?? What happened?

Interesting

I've always known that I can't express my emotions, feelings, thoughts or anything of that sort clearly so from now on I'll stop. Easier for me. I know I'm a self-centred prick, but, hey - that's just who I am.

Now. It's finished. I'm still glad to be out of that idiotic bunch of people. What I'd like to see . . . is all those people in 10 years. I doubt that all those stupid grins are still there. Possibly a few dozen will have drunk their brains away and another few dozen will have realized their own stupidity and quit the job they acquired through sweat and blood. We'll see.

There are still a few aspects of my life to figure out and I will . . . someday. Right now I'm a bit busy with tearing my apartment apart. So, I get to express all my feelings through destruction . . . rather than expressing them to people concerned.

At home with my parents again. And this time . . . it's all the same as it has always been. I can feel something giving way. And I doubt that it's a good thing. Something's going to happen pretty soon and I fear that the outcome will be not desirable for me. Again - we will see. :) So far, so good. But all fairytales end eventually the same - "And they lived happily ever after!" Nope - "They were only human so they bickered and fought each other for their entire life until one gave up and died and the other remarried."

There are no happy endings - it's a preposterous idea . . . If a relationship has a happy ending, that would mean everyone were perfectly happy with the outcome . . . that's impossible. In any case, the ending itself marks the end - a relationship will never end. If you don't communicate at all with the person anymore - the relationship is still going on, only in a non-communicative manner. Now, I know that once again I'm not making much sense. But that's just me.

To end today, I'd like to quote someone: "I always assumed that I'd find someone before you did!" Suggestive, no? And from "Penn & Teller's BullShit" - absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. . . again - very suggestive and completely false.

Really

I finished it. Had almost no emotion doing so, except pity of course - self-pity, that is. Two years . . . was it worth it? Hell yes, I'd do it again without even thinking about it. Some of the best moments are related to, derived from or just happened there.

I've found out now, what I need to do. And it's all what I secretly had known all along - it's just made clearer and clearer to me as time progresses.

A short entry, this. But one or two more things to add still. Over the last few weeks I think I've seen all sides of the human race. Starting with idiotic people going over to innocent people going over to mad people going over to the best people going over to ignorant people . . . Now I believe the spectrum is complete. From here on there's nothing more to do than learn and clarify and to observe - just to reinforce all that I've seen so far. Be with you really soon.